Musings

I was knackered last night. I'd been awake almost 22 hours by the end of the D&D game, and I'd not slept a full spell previously. I slept for four hours before I was roused again by my ravenous hunger. Tonight I'm going to be knackered again, if I make it out at all.

Lent: it was asked around the pancakes whether or not we were giving anything up or if we were just having pancakey goodness. I laughed to myself in reflection as I realised my lent started a little while earlier, where I decided to give up buying shoes online.

It's my birthday soon (11 days from now in fact) and I'm beginning to feel it coming on. I'm panicking because I know I'm not going to be able to afford my birthday present to myself in it's entirety. I also know that my birthday two years ago was one of the major contributing factors to the decline of my mental health, and given the last week or two, I'm fully aware of how I can't afford this birthday to resemble the piles of turd that were my previous ones.

D&D was fun last night, and that's more than just a token phrase: I'm finding nothing fun at the moment. I'm waiting for a copy of the Martial Power Supplement at the moment, when it arrives I think I'm going to roll and plan a Ranger, I've been feeling a desire to play an archer character. Hahanr has a bow, she stole it from a bad elf and shot a hobgoblin minion with it; it was finally worth bringing the damn thing along. I think my own feelings dragged it down a little last night as we took down a fairly harrowing gelatinous cube, which Hahanr was constantly beating down for large amounts of damage, even when the damn thing engulfed her, so when it finally died and it felt like the rogue got all the credit for it, it felt like Hahanr was completely undervalued as a party member and by extension, myself as a player.

I feel like I'm dragging myself through Hell. I've been running in low power mode and have felt like giving up in the worst kind of ways, and struggled harder than usual to tell those feelings where they can shove their suggestions... I feel like I'm on the edge of a major emotional outburst, which I'm really trying to avoid, because I find them intrinsically embarrassing, not because I think there's anything wrong with having feelings or anything, but because I have pride invested in "keeping it together". The more public the place of it, the worse I'm going to feel about whatever happens. The computer makes it easier, I can talk about how I feel without you getting to see what's going on here. I have a counsellor appointment tomorrow, I'm not sure if it will help.

I will come around eventually.