Telling Mother

About sometime yesterday afternoon I sent my mum a text, asking her to call me in the evening.

I've done this a couple of times, with the hope of telling her about 'me'.

I've generally not had much success. Mostly because I've been trying to wait for the 'right time'. Despite knowing that the right time was probably a concept that could never actually achieve reality.

So last night the conversation goes on for a little while and doesn't really go anywhere. I tell her a few things unrelated, and she fills me in on all the gossip and drama of the church I once was a part of. People still ask after me, one asking if I'd disappeared off into the ministry. My mum still holds out some hope I might go back to church one day, and although I am generally loathe to discount anything happening in the future, I think it's pretty much never going to happen.

And then, the conversation is ending, and I get a lump in my throat. I have to do this, it's now or never. If I don't do this now, I'm only going to make things harder for myself later.

I launch into the little mini-script I have in my head, a little preamble mentioning things from the last time I visited. It did not go well, as she'd forgotten what she'd asked me.

So I did what I always do when faced with a diversion from the plan. I abandoned the plan entirely and got straight to business.

“I've been living as a woman for the last four months”

Which would have been fine, but I got no real response, and so, I began to talk to try to explain. Which totally lost my mum because she had not heard what I'd said, she'd heard something that had an entirely different meaning. Somehow, “as a” has been transplanted with “with”. Not a big deal, but I'm losing my head, fast, very fast. I try to slow down and we have a stunted conversation about it. She's shocked, she doesn't quite know what to say. I don't blame her for it.

She asks if I'm happy. I'm very happy and tell her so.

I tell her about why I'm seeing a psychiatrist, seeing as I'd told her that I was going to be seeing one; and I told her that I'd been referred to a specialist clinic.

She asked about what my future plans were with it, and about medications. I told her I was going for them, and that it was one of the steps I was planning to take.

I didn't hold back anything. Even when she asked the (inevitable) question about sexuality. It was a little difficult, as I had to explain my bi-sexuality. I have been having a lot of interest from guys, but I am more interested in women. She was inquisitorial about the possibility of me having a male partner, probably in the vein of “will you want to bring him home?”

I wasn't completely shut down and rejected, but I don't think I got out of my mum what exactly it was that she felt. She asked often if I was happy, but my questions of how she was resulted in an “I'm fine”. I've always felt I've not got the full story on either of my parents. I could be walking into a train wreck situation and they'd still not tell me that they thought I was making a mistake. I get often a “we love you and are proud of you” from them, but I feel like it's a mask over what they really think sometimes.

I don't want to sound negative about it though. I'm in a state of shock today though, and certainly grumpy. I think things went as well as could be hoped, but there was a difficulty.

It was about changing my name. Anyone I've actually spoken to about it will know that I always thought that my mum would have a little trouble with me going from male to female, but would most likely break down over that I no longer want my boy name, but wanted to use an entirely new name. I imagined she'd be fine with a feminisation of my old name, which she'd confirmed, but abandoning the name she gave me was more of a hit to her. It was important to me though, to lose the name that to me is still linked with a lot of things that I am not linked to any more.

I can now proceed to the deed poll people now though, one of the conditions being that I talked to my mum about it first.

I've been telling people about me for a while now, and I'm not done yet. I have three friends left to tell at the moment. Hopefully that'll go well too.

That's enough for now though...

Changed Appointments

I had a phone call today, because the psychiatrist I had an appointment to see in November wanted to reschedule it for another time. It's bloody typical...

Psych!

They've rescheduled it for October instead, the 16th in fact. That's going to be a busy week! I'm heading down south to visit some friends for a week (7th to 14th), and hoping to have a nice time there.

It's almost four weeks earlier, which I am very happy about. I'm not sure how exactly it'll fit into the grand scheme of things, but it'll still be useful even if it only does amount to supporting the GIC referral.

I've also made a new friend, he's sweet, geeky, and generous. 'Tis a shame he lives so far away...

That's enough for now :)

Bagged and Tagged.

There are now no male-clothes in any of my drawers. I've bagged up what there was of it and now it's sat in a corner.

I took some time to try on a couple of things to see what was salvageable, and have kept a pair of bondage pants, a jacket, and a coat, all of which, although sitting amongst the boy stuff, were actually unisex. I've kept a couple of t-shirts too, which have a little significance in that they are geeky t-shirts and are still good for sleeping in.

I'm very happy with this, although I'm not sure what to do with the resulting bag. It's sat in a corner now, but I want to move it, the question is whether or not it goes in the attic, just in case, or if I get rid of it entirely and say bye-bye.

I've been thinking a lot about letting the cat out of the bag and telling people I used to know en masse about the life I'm now living. I've been very close to getting my mum on the phone and saying something more than once in the last week. I'm also getting back in touch with people I used to be close to. I did have thoughts about how I'd be re-inserting myself back into their lives just to break the image they have of me. I wondered if I should just leave it be, but the way things broke down and the way I fell out of contact with them makes me feel like I need to re-introduce myself, even if it is to part company again.

It's been great being able to talk to my brother about things, he's been supportive and encouraging, especially in encouraging me to tell my mum. It's been great to talk to him, I feel really happy that he's been so nice about it all.

I've been very contemplative lately. I'm thinking about how I'm going to go about finding work again, has not been easy to think about though, I feel like I've hit a brick wall about it and don't feel like there's anything I can really do about it. I feel like the last month has hit me quite hard and taken me back a lot, even though I've been making lots of progress. Normality still eludes me though.

That's enough for now though...

The Battle Rages On

I'm feeling depressed today. I've been ditched (I'm all alone, my house mate has left the house before I woke up and I've no idea where she's gone,) and I'm feeling lonely.

I've been up most of the night playing stupid games. Finally going to bed maybe an hour or so before dawn. My sleeping pattern is a little buggered at the moment since I got drunk off my tits unintentionally on Saturday night. Aside from apologising for that I'm feeling the need to apologise for a lot of things.

I get the feeling I am being a terrible house mate. I try to do my share of the housework, and take care of the place, but I feel like I'm neglecting (and being neglected in return) my house mate. I don't know what is going on between the two of us most of the time and I feel like I would make a terrible partner to her, as I'm barely managing to be a decent companion. As far as the fun relationship stuff goes, I'm not getting any at the moment, no body wants to play with me. I've tried to be more affectionate, but it feels like it's going to waste and not being taken in.

I just feel like everything is wrong. I don't feel safe, I don't feel secure, and I don't feel like everything is going to be all right. The area I live in barely feels safe to go out in even during the day. I've not really recovered from the break-in here, and still feel like the house could be broken into easily again. Those closest to me seem to be going through as much as I am at the moment, so even though I feel like I'm risking my personal safety every time I step outside, or the nervousness I feel over whether or not people will accept me every time I do something social isn't something I really feel like I can talk about.

I feel like things aren't really going anywhere. While I seem to be blundering through the NHS with my transition fairly well, the rest of my time isn't spent doing anything really constructive. I barely write any more except for things like my blog. I haven't heard anything from the Shaw Trust since before I stopped doing things as a boy; but I don't really feel capable of doing much either, even a day of fairly light activity seems to wipe me out for days. I mostly accept that I can't do much, but a lot of time I end up feeling bad because I'm not doing much. I feel guilty because I'm not pulling my weight, or making much of an impact in what I do. It's like I feel like I should be the life and soul of the party, all the time.

I feel limited and restricted. I feel like I'm in trouble all the time and have to fight to retain any sort of dignity or respect; like everything I do is wrong. I just need telling that things are okay, I need words, telling, talking to. I just wish I believed myself when I tell myself these things. Maybe it'd help if I didn't keep everybody at arms length, mentally, emotionally and physically. I feel like such a mess, but I can't talk about it because I can't find a way to, through other people's issues. My drama takes a back seat to anybody elses, and in the end it gets bottled up until I end up writing a depressed rant such as this one and posting it on my blog.

I've had enough for now... I'm off to do something else.

Ways to tire me out:

Take me shopping!

'Twas my first proper shopping trip to Meadowhall. Emma and I meeting in the train station at Sheffield and then going up to Meadowhall together.

Always fun exploring a new place. Doubly fun exploring it with someone you've been wanting to meet for a while. Confidently stomping around the shops, (albeit a little fast for Emma at times it felt, but she didn't complain about it,) and looking at things, checking things out, wondering if I really needed it; all felt great. Thankfully the blisters I'd got getting to and from the doctors on Friday had calmed down to only mildly irritating, so I could wear shoes that actually looked okay with the outfit I'd wanted to wear (Long denim skirt, green shirt/blouse, for those interested).

I'd like to say things about how wonderful it is to go out femme, but it's lost a lot of its novelty now. I don't 'go out femme' anymore, I just 'go out'; the distinction being that I don't need to make a fuss about it.

Take heart girls, most people don't take second glances, even shop assistants. Confidence, appropriateness, resolve. Don't sweat it. Relax, go at your own pace, breathe!

Anyway: enough encouragement! I want to talk about what I bought!

I got two pairs of boots, one flat heeled and one 3 inch heel. I love the heeled ones, despite being a little plain. They're very comfortable. The flat boots have straps at the ankle, halfway up the calf and just above the knee. Very nice looking and will do well in slippery conditions later on in the year! (Yes, I'm buying clothes for practicality now, is a new step in the journey: first 'going-out' clothes, then casual, now practical: work and everyday wear.)

Got a backpack: needed something more feminine for carrying things like my laptop around in. It's very... pink... I don't think it's that bad, but when showing it off later to my friends they had a lot to say about it. Bleh: I had to get **something**. That's my defence your honour.

Picked up a new coat and a cardigan too, seeing as I needed a coat and saw the cardigan on the way. Just something cute and cozy for the upcoming months.

Granted, I felt like I spent a lot, but I am buying things that I don't really have. The problem is that it looks like I'm spending frivolously, and that whenever anyone mentions it in jest, I play along.

The most exciting thing I bought: socks! Four pairs, three knee high black pairs, and a colourful stripy pair knee high pair too.

I hung around in town before meeting up with friends later in the evening. Waiting in a pub is not something I normally do. I got a drink and sat down on my own with it and played a little “Final Fantasy 12: Revenant Wings” on the DS and some “Castlevania: Circle of the Moon” too. My arrival seemed to spark a little conversation with some of the people sat around the bar, although I could tell that I'd started a conversation or two, I couldn't tell if it was positive or negative or not (I did hear the terms “transvestite” and “transsexual”, but nothing more). I was left alone though and seemingly respected though.

Meeting up with friends was fun too, although I didn't get back until after eleven, possibly midnight. Was so tired I went to bed very soon after putting things away, or at least to one side.

All in all: awesome day. Meeting Emma was awesome. Shopping was awesome. Meeting friends in the evening was awesome.

Thanks to all involved (Emma xx!)

That's enough for now though...

Two days, up and an up and a meh...

Hey there all,

Yesterday, Friday 11th September 2009, approx 4.20pm.

I walk into the doctors surgery, that is, Lilith does.

The receptionist: big help, sends a note through to the doctor to use the short variation of my birth name when he calls me in. There's an elderly couple of which the woman can't help herself but stare, I smile back and hope she stops, I'm nervous enough, but feeling good.

The doctor calls me through, and reacts very positively when I enter. We talk, I get a few things off my chest, things that are pressuring me as well as sharing some of the good times I've had with him too.

I talk to him about getting referred to the GIC. It doesn't surprise me that he has no idea he can refer me there directly himself, but he is more than happy to approach them and refer me there if they let him.

I am very happy with this development. I go on to talk about name changes and things, which he will need me to get done officially before he will change my details on the database. This doesn't really surprise me, but he does at least change my 'calling name' to “Miss Wright”. I am thinking that by the next time I see him I might have completed that process, but might not have.

Aside from the general fear that I seem to be breezing through (maybe it's my confidence or something) I'm feeling pretty good about it all.

Today, Saturday 12th September, approx 3pm.

I've met up with Isabelle and her partner Catherine (not sure how she prefers it spelt,) as well as with a couple of other girls that I've never met before, and my house mate came too. We had tea together in a nice tea shop in the middle of town.

I'd been for a wander through a few shops too, and seemed not to get too much attention at all. Occasionally someone would catch my eye and smile, most likely in response to the smile I usually sport when out and about.

I totally forgot to post a letter I needed to, but it can wait until Monday morning hopefully, or I might need to beg a fiver from someone to do all the calling about that I did a couple of weeks ago to make sure I get some money. I do not like walking this close to the edge, I need a job, or someone rich to send me a few hundred quid regularly... (maybe I could put a 'donate' button on here, but why would people donate? Because I'm awesome? Psh... not likely.)

Today, Saturday 12th September, approx 6.30pm.

I get home and stop by the Chinese practically on my doorstep for some chips.

There are some things I do, that in theory seem absolutely fine, in practice are just... well... risky.

I got away with it this time anyway. A few drunk kids came in after me. I ended up chatting and trying to give excuse for what I was doing dressed as I was. I refused to let them make me feel bad about myself got my chips and vanished. I wondered if they would have understood if I'd have tried to tell them the real reasons (like I have the clearest grasp of them myself).

It was a little irritating, as the girl behind the counter and myself have built up a rapport over the times I've been in. I would have liked to have talked to her, but the kids did not really give me chance to. I am a little worried now about going out here, especially as one of them decided she wanted a picture of me...

It all really adds to my desire to GTFO of here and move somewhere nicer within the city.

I'm feeling good, but I'm feeling knackered. Will probably spend the next two days sitting around doing not-much.

That's enough for now...

Kaagehk Ed Ib.

E'ja vehymmo kud ynuiht du fnedehk y pmuk bucd eh Al Bhed.

E Tuh'd iciymmo kad du pa lusbmadamo kaago mega drec, pid E ryt y ped uv hucdymkey yht fyhdad du namaynh fryd E ryt maynhat y vaf oaync yku.

Dra uhmo bnupmas ec dryd E tuh'd ghuf fryd du fneda ypuid!

E fahd vun y fymg dutyo. E fymgat pynavuud druikr y sitto fuut. E mega paehk pynavuud, acbaleymmo frah ed ec sitto.

Dusunnuf E ryja y tuldunc ybbuehdsahd. E ys rubehk E lyh kad res du navan sa du dra “GIC”.

Dryd ec ahuikr vun huf druikr...

The weekend!

Finally I'm sitting down to write this! I've been kept busy and have been so tired when I have got free that I'm only just getting to write this now.

Where do I start? Friday? Okay then!

Friday was kinda dull, but it got me working on a few practical things. I went looking for work to apply for. I've applied for my first job as Lilith, not that I think I will be called to interview or anything. There is a trust I am working with that is supposed to be helping me back into work, because I'm still off on incapacity, and it's been so long since they called me or anything that they don't know about me at the moment. They had said that they wanted to do a lot more work with me before they considered sending me off to apply for stuff. If I'm lucky maybe I'll get it!

Saturday I went shopping with Isabelle!

Isabelle and I had tea, and my house-mate joined us. We had a lovely day trawling several charity shops. My arms and legs were so tired by the end of it all, from carrying so much by the end of it.

I bought: Some make-up, Three skirts, four tops, a dress, a pair of trousers, and a handbag. No shoes though! I worked out that I've acquired one pair of shoes a week over the last six months... So it's probably a good thing I didn't buy any more! It was a surprisingly cheap lot!

Sunday was a lazy day!

Mostly. I ended up having Sunday supper out at my house-mate's mother's house. I am free to be myself there so I had a nice time. I helped out setting up a web-album for some recent holiday snaps, and ate a healthy amount too.

When I got home I chatted with Emma a little, and a new friend I've made called Terri (I've been exchanging emails with her and her partner, David, for a week or so now). I also for a change caught my brother online.

I have a few friends on MSN, some of which are purely online friends; I've been slowly re-introducing myself to them as Lil and so far it'd been a pretty positive thing.

So my brother is online, and I've been very eager to share myself with him; so the conversation starts and he's pressuring me to just get on with it. He tells me he knows gays and trannies and he really doesn't care. So I just go: “okay then!” link him to my web album and say “This is how I look these days”...

“wow” Oh thank you eloquent one. He takes a little bit of time to process it, but he gets with it and asks questions and tries to understand. He accepts me, which I had imagined from the start, he was my sure thing of the family I think. Next on the list is my mum, who has always been very supportive anyway, but may have more trouble, I suspect over the change of name than the switch from son to daughter. I shall have to wait and see! (and plan! Yes I need to plan!)

So yes, I've had a long weekend. A tiring weekend too; but a good weekend.

That's enough for now though...

“I” went out

“I” went out, big deal? Yes, because my boy self was out... After four weeks of being free, I'm now stuck back in a cage, or so it feels.

I've lost my tolerance for pretending to be male.

I spent maybe an hour or two yesterday dressed as a boy as not to freak out my housemate's mother, but in the end caved in and had to get changed. She actually took it amazingly, despite not recognising me at all and having a “what are you doing in my house?”moment. It gave me a little happy buzz.

I went out for tea last night with Isabelle, a girl I know nearby and my housemate. Most scary bit was crossing the bar to get to the toilets once it started to get later and the pub filled with middle aged men set on getting their drink on. I'm comfortable with the ladies loo's too, something that fills me with a little reservation, but so far there's never been anyone in them.

I believe I have an appointment for the psychiatrist now, in November. November! The letter itself doesn't actually say what it's about at all, so I'm contemplating just calling up and finding out (and maybe trying to get an earlier appointment too.)

But anyway: Today.

Wake up to the sound of my alarm clock, which goes off about 10 minutes before the postman knocks on my door with a new pair of boots for me (they're gorgeous!). I spend about about 20 minutes trying them on and walking about the house with them on, to get a feel for them. I like them a lot. Then, I go back to bed.

A few hours later I get up again. Try on my new boots again. Then I choose an outfit to wear for the day; Calf length skirt, tights, shoes, white and blue blouse; But I don't put them on, not just yet. I instead put on a pair of jeans and a t-shirt and cringe. I do not want to go out looking like this, but I need tea and food, including breakfast.

Out I go, and storm clouds gather. I literally stomp my way up the road and back again, and I hate everything that's making me do this as a boy. I hate it, I hate it, I hate it...

I get back and change, suddenly my world is right again. I apologise to myself, but I don't know what I can do about it. This place, it's just not that safe, I don't want to hide at all, but my personal safety almost demands it. I want to live as a woman, and ideally it wouldn't be a problem, but being born male has made me have to make allowances; allowances I'm getting less and less inclined to make.

I don't want to end up being a shut in over my gender, I need to move. Maybe I will be able to get away with it here, maybe I'll be lucky enough not to get caught by the wrong people at the wrong place at the wrong time.

The weather's getting crap again. When I was in school I preferred it when it was raining, it meant that the more messed up kids who'd make my life difficult sometimes were less likely to hang around in the places I'd only have myself to look after me. I might begin to prefer it again, but now I wear things like strappy sandals and LBD's, and I'm not exactly built well enough to weather the weather!

I spoke to my mum today, not about anything related to me though. There's a lot going on back home at the moment. I didn't feel able to really say anything at all. I always have to wait for the few seconds after everything is clam before I can make a move. I need quiet, I need peace, I need space.

I've been getting a lot of attention recently, it feels like there's more people interested in me than I have room to accommodate. I still feel like the thing I desire is still out of reach though. It doesn't help that I don't know what it is I want. Am I waiting for the strong commanding type to whisk me away and look after me happily ever after?

Bleh, I'm getting soppy!

That's enough for now...

Lilith's Bad Day

Today I am very tired...
I didn't sleep very well at all. I didn't sleep at all. I waited all morning for a skirt I was waiting to be delivered (sexy black PVC affair, will be good for certain events).

I knew I had to go out, which is why I was more than a little annoyed that my make up efforts still made me look like I'd just crawled out of a hole in the ground. It wouldn't have looked odd if I'd have started trying to nom people's heads, no word of a lie...

I know I've got to go anyway, so I take the bad days along with the good and accept I'm not going to look a million dollars everyday.

So off I trundle, cheering myself up with the thought that there are a couple of charity shops en route that I could cheer myself up at.

Everything is going well; I feel like crap, sure, but there is a plan, and it's being followed. The world at large doesn't care that my face looks like it's been bought in a pound store.

Walk up to the cash machine, slide in the card, press the buttons: Nil. It gives me my card and a little slip that might as well of said “Screw you!”

I'm left reeling, but purposefully stride back to base. I have some annoyed phone calls to make.

My last sick note had not reached them, they were not giving me any money.

After spending more than an hour trying to reach the crisis loan people, because I would probably starve in the time it took to get the whole mess sorted out, I got a phone call back from the benefits people... “Sorry, can't find the note.”

I start to accept that I'm going hungry, when a tiny ray of light starts to shine. They're going to call the doctors to confirm my medical history.

I have to call ahead though and give the doctors permission to tell the benefit people. Cue up another thirty minutes of aggravated waiting... I've long since started stabbing an empty milk bottle with a couple of knives to relieve the annoyance; it was either that or cry.

I get through to the doctors, there's a couple more calls and the whole mess is sorted out... I'll be getting my money after all now.

Crisis averted, nothing to see here, move along...

(PS. To all that have said nice things about my new photo's: *mwah*! love you all!)