Things that beat a headache...

I've had a near constant one for the last week.

I'm going through the motions of trying to cut this thing down.

I've tried painkillers, extra sleep, relaxing, fresh air, doing nice things for myself (such a lovely pair of shoes ), and I'm running out of ideas.

What else can I do to try and get rid of this headache? (If it turns out someone's voodooing me, I'm gonna be so pissed off...)

hope you're friday nights are going better...

I can has?

I'm beginning to get things together again.

If you saw my Wednesday post I took it down because even after posting I was still worried about whether or not it belonged here. It's now hidden on a better safe than sorry kind of thing.

I'm still annoyed, but I'm also trying to find ways to assert my independence too.

I'm tired too. So very very tired.

I met up with my mum, bro and sis. It went okay, although really, we didn't actually talk about anything. As expected they need a bit of time to adjust and practice using the right pronouns. I feel odd about it all.

That's all I want to say right now...

My Head is Full of Sand...

I've been completely unable to explain how I am lately beyond 'fine' and 'doing okay'.

I am having a problem with thinking clearly.

The best way I can think of is to explain it like an ancient Egyptian tomb.

It's full of riches sure, but that bugger is booby trapped.

Every now and again, someone nudges something, someone steps on 'one of those' panels, someone just has to push the button, pull the lever, or poke the big statues...

Then the whole thing floods with sand...

Everything gets buried, thoughts and feelings get frozen in place.

It takes a little while for the brain minions to clear things up. With shovels and spades, trying not to break anything or set the whole thing off again.

Business can resume as soon as possible once enough sand gets cleared, but it's slowed and sluggish, and the clearing up process takes longer too. Sand is being trawled in from outside and the brain minions don't have as much space to keep tidying up.

Eventually the gold will be shiny, the jewels will be glittering, and the traps will be disabled, but in the meantime, be patient with me. I am not at 100% (In honesty I don't feel like I'm anywhere near a lot of the time...)

Loose End, or Something...

Another busy day, changing my name.

I saw my GP today, we talked a little, but there's not really much more to say between the two of us. He can't push at anything for me, and is pretty much down to keeping me on benefits. I said last time that I felt my 'depression' lifting. Admittedly I'm in a foul mood at the moment, but generally I think it's true. My GP's warned me not to rush things though.

A little wander around town, replenishing my make-up supplies, and then it was on to the Shaw Trust.

The only thing to note, before I go onto talking about the Shaw Trust, is a random bum who came to me to ask me for 70p for booze/drugs/both or a ticket to somewhere else. I told him no, fairly coldly; but he followed on to ask me if I was a transvestite. I said “No, bye,” and walked off. It was a fairly annoying question, and fairly rude I thought too. I could have gone and explained the differences between transvestites and transsexuals, but to be honest, he was a bum, he probably wouldn't have got it anyway.

I don't care about being liked, I'm not really after acceptance or respect even, I just want to be left alone to live my bloody life, don't stare, don't comment, and stay the hell away from me. (Did I mention, foul mood?)

The Shaw Trust changed my details, and they did me several copies of my deed poll too (thanks, I totally hadn't planned to get you to do them, no sir!) and signed me up for a programme that should be helpful in finding work in the longer term. That was pretty much it from them though.

I need to find something to do on Friday night too, something that gets me out of the house, but doesn't cost me anything either. I'm broke, but I can't really stay at home...

I also need to find somewhere new to live. I feel where I'm staying now has run its course and is now making me feel bad about things. I know I've said as much before, but now I'm officially looking. Suggestions/help would be appreciated!

… And finally, The Venture Brothers started again last weekend! I've not seen it yet, but season four has started! Looking forward to seeing how it all goes.

That's enough for now though...

Running the Change of Name Gauntlet

I had a psychiatrist appointment this morning. It went very well.

I was nervous, as one might expect. He asked a lot of questions, I felt very on the spot! Right off the bat, he asked why I'd changed my surname along with the rest of my name. I had to show him my Deed poll, which I've been doing a lot of today...

After a brief, yet what felt like a severe grilling, he decided he was happy to pass me (back) on to Porterbrook, Sheffield's GIC. I'd asked for the appointment before I asked for a GIC referral, but the GIC wanted me checking out before they'd take me on by a Psychiatrist, with whom I'd have an appointment to see within a week of receiving the letter from the GIC to inform me of all this. This feels like yet another thing that's just lined itself up perfectly. I'd claim the hand of the divine was active in my situation, but it seems a little silly.

It was good, and left me dumbstruck as I walked out. There wasn't a need to make a new appointment with him or anything, so I just went ahead and left. It was awesome.

Some fiddling with buses and trams, and I'm in the city centre. I took the wrong one in the wrong direction, but I had a day ticket, so I could fix my mistake easy enough.

So! City Centre! I go into a few shops, as I've got time to kill before I have to go see the people at the job centre. I get myself a new game for the Gamecube (I'm about 50% of the way through) and then remember that I was going to go to my banks and sort them out too.

My banks were full of simplicity. Both of them did it in a flash. New cards and things will be coming out to me in a week or so! So exciting!

Between the two banks though, I got a call from my mum, who has yet to meet me in person. We talk a little and basically arrange to talk later online.

I do a little charity shop hopping to kill some time too. Which goes well! I get some awesome boots in one and a couple of new skirts in another and vow not to spend another penny on games or clothes today.

I've done a lot of important stuff today, so before my job centre appointment I decide to treat myself to a full breakfast and coffee at Pollard's Tea room in Sheffield. I deserve it, things are going so well and I've coped very well with it all. I leave some time later, stuffed and very happy indeed and head out to the job centre.

I had some fun with the woman at the desk, fully expecting her to call out for Mr. It was better to play with it than to get all embarrassed by it (the nature of the job-centre being as it was, I already felt a little awkward around the types of people who generally seem to come and go from them). The Job centre does what it needs to and the changes will come into effect in about a weeks time too!

So it's home time. About 3pm. I'm pooped. It's been a long day and I'm beginning to think about work again. I know full time work is almost certainly out of the question at the moment. I just don't have the strength for it, but part time? The wheels in my head are turning. The depression in my life is coming to an end. I have life and energy and I'm not being taken advantage of any more, I'm not being pushed around, I'm being me!

I start looking for a tram home, but it drops me with a little walk to get back to my door, and I realise it's about school closing time. So instead, I catch a bus home which drops me at my door. It costs a little more, but it makes me feel at ease.

I'm beginning to make sense of things. It's become a little obvious that I am unaware of some of the daily things that women have to put up with or even what out and about, day to day feminine life can actually involve. It was also suggested, following my staring rant, that I may actually be being stared at lecherously. This gave me the creeps particularly while waiting for the tram, and having this grey slicked-back haired guy staring at me. I eventually went to stand and hide behind the tram stops information board, moving while he wasn't looking, to where he couldn't see me. More seriously though, I think it will be wise of me to look into some form of self-defensive measures. If I'm at risk when I look passable, and at risk when I don't (it happens sometimes... probably) Then it might help my general feelings of fear while out and about around home.

I'm at home and safe now though, and have spent some time chatting to my Mother on the infernal tome of countenances. Yet more questions were asked, (when, why, how?) which I tried my best to answer. She'll get used to it eventually, the real worry is my Dad. My mum had to tell my aunt and my last grandparent, and both of them were shocked, but both said they expected something like this from me. While I'm unsure how to take that, it is definitely a good reaction to get! Apparently my granddad works with a trans woman. My mum was hit hard by it all when I told her that my change of name was official, she'd been wanting to talk about it.

I have to call my sister and an old friend, and let them know about all this. While I've been struggling with trying to get through to my friend to actually talk to him, I'm struggling slightly with how he may react. I'm just going to have to do it, I know, but still, the worries are there. Same goes for my sister, although I'm more worried about who she might tell about the whole thing.

But for now, I party! In my own little unique way that involves video games, excessive snacks, and some silly dancing to loud music on my own. It sounds a little sad in text now I read it, but I'm having fun, so stuff it.

That's enough for now though...

Something is a Miss!

I have in my possession one Deed Poll Document...

A Deed of change of Name and Title!

Mr Whats'is-face is no more, I am a Miss now

My 25 letter long name is now 17 letters long.

Cool eh?

Things I am Getting Sick of...

People who stare.

The stupid look on their faces; the judgemental grimace; the disbelief; the horror.

I've had somewhere in the region of three starers in the last two days, and they're just the ones I know about... It's horrifically demoralising. I hate it so much. What am I doing wrong? How am I standing out? Why can't people just suck it up?

It's so thoroughly irritating that one just has to vent at something to relieve the tension.

I'm tired. I've made a cross country trip travelling through London today and I may be a little cranky, but these wide-eyed fools have just been too much. I've had too much to think about the last few days and they're pushing me over the edge. I've been having so many thought processes asking myself what the hell I'm doing, why I'm transitioning and so far all I can come up with is because it's what I want. I'm beginning to think that the 'cure' is worse than the 'disease'.

Long waiting times, inadequate support, ignorant people who point and laugh, judgemental types who grimace in disgust, violent yobs whose only reaction is to put a fist in it.

I keep asking myself why and I'm feeling my resolve wavering. I've put so much of myself into this so far; I've shot through some things; and I'm beginning to think that I've been moving too fast.

I've got a little unhinged. Life has been fairly calm for a while, but it's getting chaotic again and I want order now. I don't know where I stand with psychiatrists and the NHS, what I should be doing, or how I should be doing it and it's driving me up the wall.

I just need some time, time to talk to people, time to do my research, but in the meantime here's a picture of Sparky, Seris and Suzie.

The Drop

It's amazing the amount of difference a small stuffed toy can make...

His name is Sparky, he's a rabbit, and he's been with me for about the same amount of time as I've been alive.

I've taken a week visiting friends down south, and I left him behind.

It's made me crack a little, if this can be considered cracking, but I've been relying on an old imaginary (invisible!) friend to ferry messages between the two of us. Each night giving Blob a message to take back to Sparky, and waiting for Blob to return the next day to give him the next message. On Friday (9/10/09) I went shopping and bought a new stuffed toy from a charity shop here (as well as a wonderful PVC coat) to present to Sparky as a new friend and apology for my own stupidity in leaving him behind.

It was a girl kangaroo, with a joey. I took a little time, in my room here to sit and talk to them, to find out what their names were.

The joey, Suzie, came to me quite easily. Her name just leapt out at me, but learning her mother's name was much harder. After a little more conversing it came out that her name was Seris. I've been telling both of them about Sparky, and I'm hoping they'll get along really well.

I'm having fun, although last night was almost an all-nighter so I'm pretty much falling to pieces right now.

I have made some new friends down here; here's a shout-out to Rachel in particular. The next few days will be fun too, I am thinking I will go for a little wander tomorrow, but I shall see.

This is enough for now though (I'm going to sleep soon I think...)

Crazily Yours...

Wait! Nope, I'm not done yet.

I've been meeting a few others too, and was talking to a Transsexual girl who is currently fighting the NHS, and the conversation was thoroughly depressing. She had a lot to say, and her knowledge was a more than mine. I feel like I need to go do some more research now.

The general upshot of it all though has brought up questions; Questions like: Why the hell am I putting myself through this? What degree of insanity is going on that I think this is the best for me? How in hell am I going to survive the crap I'm going to have to put up with in order to make my transformation? I occasionally ask myself these questions, because I have a lazy streak and this is by no means a small and easy thing to do, but the situation this time has made it quite difficult to brush them aside with an “I'll cope”. The whole thing is madness, because of the ineptitude of the NHS many girls are suffering from depression, which could easily be prevented if they put a little more effort and funding into it.

Like I said, thoroughly depressing, but at least I have one thing going for it at the moment. A friend back in Sheffield, who is waiting for the GIC too, looking into the complaints procedure because the lines are crazy long. She thinks that my case, where I'm living full time already, should have an effect on the amount of time I should have to wait until they see me. I'm at least going to send a letter to them and see what the heck is going on.

In the meantime though, I'll cope, somehow...

But really, this is enough for now...

Dealing with Internet Harassment

I'm not going to post the emails I received last night, and I reserve the right to withhold my reasons for doing so.

Someone launched into some very personal attacks by email last night. Attacking my looks (okay I admit it... I'm not gorgeous all the time...) my gender 'status', and basically laying out a big fat f*** you.

I responded so calmly and coolly that you could have chipped bits off me and served them in coke.

It's a little weird though, as I've no idea where on earth it has come from. Now random internet harassment goes maybe a couple of messages (if you choose to reply, I do, because it feels like I'm standing up for myself that way,) this seemed to become a personal hate attack though.

I didn't let this get to me though.

Within a short space of time, a new yahoo address had been made, and was being used to email people connected to me on another site. A forum which I have just opened up a trans specific section, in order for trans-people on the site to talk to each other. Whether or not it will be any good or work is anybody's guess, but anyway, I digress.

This email address was being used to send emails to people insulting them for the way they look, and to generally be nasty. The email address that had been made was bearing a variation of a screen name I use. (see the post before this).

I am not letting this get to me though.

Someone thinks this sort of behaviour is acceptable. It isn't. You are not getting to me, sorry.

This whole incident seems to be without reason or provocation. The insults are mindless and lack originality, intelligence, or sense. When it dissolves into petty name calling, and generally insane behaviour, I stop paying attention.

I'm laying this matter to rest. I have no need for an internet enemy, and refuse to engage in cyber warfare. Leave me out of your petty squabbles and grow the hell up.

Normal service will resume when I have something to write about.

Public Service Announcement

To whom it may concern: An email originating from the address: lilith.kisses@yahoo.co.uk is not from me and should be treated as spam.

If you find yourself a reciepient of an email from this address, please delete it immediately or forward it to myself.

I believe a certain individual has made this account with malicious intentions.

That is all.

I Is Model *beaming*

Today:

I wake up, with a reasonable amount of time to do nothing before I had to do something. I browse the internet a little and casually get dressed and do my makeup.

I catch a bus into town. A non-event not really worth describing any more. It was bumpy.

I meet up with friend doing photography course. We have coffee. She wants to pay, buthas no money, and instead of letting her get cash from the machine and holding up the cue, I pay.

I walk backwards and forwards getting my picture taken. Outside the train station, outside the library. I get my picture taken at a bus stop too, applying lippy.

I go shopping. Get some more make-up remover wipes and a couple of DS games. (Excess, thy name is Lilith...) The Legend of Zelda: Phantom Hourglass, and Castlevania: Order of Ecclesia.

I go introduce myself to the people who have been trying to find me work for the last six or seven months. We have a good conversation, I smile a lot and feel great coming out of it.

I come home by bus, stopping at the supermarket on the way. I note three people, as they were on the same bus I went into town on too. We needed more tea for the house so I stopped to get some.

That is pretty much it. My brevity is mostly because I want to go play some games, and writings in a different style to read has to make the blog more interesting read. How many writing styles can I use? Lots, hopefully.

Finally, a quote from a message I sent today:

“The worst thing that's happened so far was a man today, out with his wife and kid in a pram. In what sounded very much like a polish accent asked me as I passed if I was a man, I responded with no, but he continued to assert I was laughing all the while. While it greatly annoyed the girl I was with, I was most surprised with my own non-reactive attitude. She called back to him that is was very rude, but I just seemed to snub him altogether. "Millions of years of evolution and we still have people like that around," she said. I was okay though. I'll blog about it later (probably cutting and pasting this paragraph, hehe), but that'll be as much as it affects me.”

That's enough for now though...

NoddSoc

Greasy pizza down, mental recovery done, it's time to tell you about my evening...

NoddSoc: Not only dungeons and dragons society.

Pile a shed-load of geeks into a large room with tables and chairs, assort them according to preference of game, give them a game master and watch them spend the entire evening laughing, joking, rolling dice and doing generally epic things.

Me? I joined a fantasy world, in a game that was created by a group of NoddSoc members. It's called Starstorm, and in a few years time when it's bigger than D&D remember you heard about it first from me.

I played a Satyr creature, who basically was a fighter. Imagine a hairy humanoid, with horns and a goatee. This is the guy I played, with a spear.

As these things usually start, we were in a tavern. An NPC bursts in and declares to the barkeep, who is also the village mayor, that the village mystic has vanished, and runs off to tell the chief watchman. Meanwhile, five people pour out of the tavern and suddenly introduce themselves to each other, they're off to investigate.

Arriving at the mystic's house, the group has a look around. The town guard is not around, so Ragnar, the Satyr (me) hangs around outside to talk to them when they arrive. The others have a cursory glance around the inside of the hut, where a fight has broken out, there is scorch marks, and parts of the thatched roof have been cut, and the mystic is no-where to be found.

A Tinkerer, an alchemist of sorts, a humanoid with the features of a phoenix, finds tracks outside. Our Kelpie, Hourk (I think), a huge figure carrying axes and buried under several tonnes of fur and leather (not literally) follows the tracks, eager for a fight.

We follow the tracks, which lead into the territory of small creatures, a sort of mix between badgers, imps and bats. Not cute by any stretch of the imagination, but not aggressive either. At night we camp, where these creatures are watching us, and discover a small fragment of paper that refers to a knifeling, blood, and a knife. Further scrutiny reveals that the blood the paper refers to may involve the innocent, or even child's blood.

We arrive at their home, and I try to talk to the creatures, there's no common language, and they seem anxious at the presence of our Kelpie, who is looking aggressive, and drawing their attention. They are building themselves up to a fight, which we avert by getting him to stand down.

The elders of the creatures come out to talk to use, and draw us a crude diagram of two men, one with a broken leg, whose blood was along the path we were following, and a cage of small creatures, the children of the creatures. The creatures, Groundlings, point us in the direction that they went in, and offer us a reward for bringing back their children.

Following the path, we come across a marble ruin, a summoning site, where we can see the missing mystic, a missing blacksmith, and several Groundling children. We try to begin to rescue the children, but are repelled by a barrier.

We try to break through, but the barrier keeps us back. Thankfully, the mystic is outside of the barrier, and the Phoenix tinkerer wakes him and enlists him to help us break the barrier. After a round, our Kelpie is standing on top of the barrier, which is roughly cubic, above the sole occupant, a member of a race called Cerberus, taunting him... or more specifically, mooning him...

A round or two later the barrier is beginning to give, and so, I try something; I try to force my way through the barrier, exerting both mental and physical energy to do so, and succeeding. Unfortunately, I am the only person inside, and I've used up all my actions, and the Cerberus is next in line. He panics, grabs a crude ceremonial blade, and kills one of the children on the altar, summoning a demon, and causing the barrier to pop out of existence. The Kelpie falls on the Cerberus, but misses. The Phoenix throws fiery dust in it's eyes, and our healer, belonging to a Race akin to hydra's runs in and rescues the two remaining children on the altar.

The demon that was summoned is pissed, and it attacks everyone in range. The Phoenix gets lucky and its mimic is damaged, the Kelpie shrugs off the damage, and I, the Satyr shrug it off too. We were lucky that round.

We have one more member of the party, an unmarked, which is the easiest to describe because it looks human. He steps in to try and rescue a number of children caged nearby.

The Kelpie rages and beats the Cerberus into a corner before coming to help me with the Demon. In my annoyance that it had been born from the blood of an innocent, I set about impaling it with my spear. Fate was with me, and I scored a heavy hit. The Kelpie drew it's attention though, and once again he shrugged off all but one of the blows, which hit heavily.

The Phoenix tinkerer saved the day though, by planting a throwing knife between the eyes of the Cerberus, causing the demon to lose its ties to our realm and vanish.

We rescued the Mystic and Blacksmith. We burn the dagger and the body of the Cerberus, taking back it's head to the village of Groundlings. We rescue their children, and I take back the fallen child.

Victory, or at least something close...

So, Noddsoc. That was it.

It was the first thing I've been to as Lilith that I had previously been to in boy mode. What made it for me though, was someone I recognised and new introducing themselves to me, without recognising me at all. Then again, the whole evening was quite magical, as I got out and did something reasonably social as a woman and accepted as a woman.

It was good to get back to it though after the summer break. I had missed it! There's also the possibility of joining a second game. This session was a taster, but I am going to create my own character and join in a few weeks time (I have plans that will cause me to miss the first two sessions.) The second game will involve me playing a superhero character though, which will mean I will need to come up with an idea of powers or a theme that will enable me to have something to build a character around.

It was a good night out, looking forward to being able to do it on a weekly basis.

That's enough for now though.