The stupid look on their faces; the judgemental grimace; the disbelief; the horror.
I've had somewhere in the region of three starers in the last two days, and they're just the ones I know about... It's horrifically demoralising. I hate it so much. What am I doing wrong? How am I standing out? Why can't people just suck it up?
It's so thoroughly irritating that one just has to vent at something to relieve the tension.
I'm tired. I've made a cross country trip travelling through London today and I may be a little cranky, but these wide-eyed fools have just been too much. I've had too much to think about the last few days and they're pushing me over the edge. I've been having so many thought processes asking myself what the hell I'm doing, why I'm transitioning and so far all I can come up with is because it's what I want. I'm beginning to think that the 'cure' is worse than the 'disease'.
Long waiting times, inadequate support, ignorant people who point and laugh, judgemental types who grimace in disgust, violent yobs whose only reaction is to put a fist in it.
I keep asking myself why and I'm feeling my resolve wavering. I've put so much of myself into this so far; I've shot through some things; and I'm beginning to think that I've been moving too fast.
I've got a little unhinged. Life has been fairly calm for a while, but it's getting chaotic again and I want order now. I don't know where I stand with psychiatrists and the NHS, what I should be doing, or how I should be doing it and it's driving me up the wall.
I just need some time, time to talk to people, time to do my research, but in the meantime here's a picture of Sparky, Seris and Suzie.
People staring:
ReplyDeletePeople stare at other people because they stand out. It doesn't take a lot to stand out, really. Sometimes when I'm pretending to be a man I wear this hat I've got, looks a bit stetson-like in shape. Result: stupid looks and comments. Why? It's a perfectly sensible hat, it keeps the sun out of my eyes and the rain off my head, but the normal thing is not to wear a hat, so they stare. Especially so at this time of year, when there's a million freshers around. Thing is, I can stop wearing a hat any time. I can "go stealth" and leave it at home. My head might get wet, but people will stop staring and making cowboy jokes. I can't stop being female, so either I need to be convincingly female enough that there's no reason to stare, or I need to get used to it, or I need to be scary enough that they stop looking and fuck off.
This is partly why I wear a lot of black. It creeps people out. Of course, it also makes them stare, but they were going to do that anyway.
"Cure and disease":
All choices are compromises. They may sometimes seem like pretty fucking obvious ones to pick, but they're still compromises. Personally, I know why I'm doing this - it's because I can imagine being female and 40, I can imagine being male and being dead, and I can imagine being male and 40 and so depressed I wish I was dead, but I can't imagine being male and 40 and happy with it. So... it's a pretty easy compromise for me, yes? My adult life as a man was more or less captured by the line from Pink Floyd "slipping into quiet desperation is the English way"... and now that has stopped. But this is still a compromise. There is long term hope now, but day to day is harder.
"moving too fast":
Well, maybe. You have been moving very quickly. When you bear in mind that three years is fast, and you've gone full time and changed name already, then yes, pretty quick. Remains to be seen whether that's "too" fast though. Here's a thought: there's no big steps coming up for you soon, are there? So you can take it easy for a while. Get used to doing mundane things with your shiny officially-new name. Get used to ambling around. Get comfortable just being yourself in public.
...and yes, I'm jealous of that name thing.