I had a psychiatrist appointment this morning. It went very well.
I was nervous, as one might expect. He asked a lot of questions, I felt very on the spot! Right off the bat, he asked why I'd changed my surname along with the rest of my name. I had to show him my Deed poll, which I've been doing a lot of today...
After a brief, yet what felt like a severe grilling, he decided he was happy to pass me (back) on to Porterbrook, Sheffield's GIC. I'd asked for the appointment before I asked for a GIC referral, but the GIC wanted me checking out before they'd take me on by a Psychiatrist, with whom I'd have an appointment to see within a week of receiving the letter from the GIC to inform me of all this. This feels like yet another thing that's just lined itself up perfectly. I'd claim the hand of the divine was active in my situation, but it seems a little silly.
It was good, and left me dumbstruck as I walked out. There wasn't a need to make a new appointment with him or anything, so I just went ahead and left. It was awesome.
Some fiddling with buses and trams, and I'm in the city centre. I took the wrong one in the wrong direction, but I had a day ticket, so I could fix my mistake easy enough.
So! City Centre! I go into a few shops, as I've got time to kill before I have to go see the people at the job centre. I get myself a new game for the Gamecube (I'm about 50% of the way through) and then remember that I was going to go to my banks and sort them out too.
My banks were full of simplicity. Both of them did it in a flash. New cards and things will be coming out to me in a week or so! So exciting!
Between the two banks though, I got a call from my mum, who has yet to meet me in person. We talk a little and basically arrange to talk later online.
I do a little charity shop hopping to kill some time too. Which goes well! I get some awesome boots in one and a couple of new skirts in another and vow not to spend another penny on games or clothes today.
I've done a lot of important stuff today, so before my job centre appointment I decide to treat myself to a full breakfast and coffee at Pollard's Tea room in Sheffield. I deserve it, things are going so well and I've coped very well with it all. I leave some time later, stuffed and very happy indeed and head out to the job centre.
I had some fun with the woman at the desk, fully expecting her to call out for Mr. It was better to play with it than to get all embarrassed by it (the nature of the job-centre being as it was, I already felt a little awkward around the types of people who generally seem to come and go from them). The Job centre does what it needs to and the changes will come into effect in about a weeks time too!
So it's home time. About 3pm. I'm pooped. It's been a long day and I'm beginning to think about work again. I know full time work is almost certainly out of the question at the moment. I just don't have the strength for it, but part time? The wheels in my head are turning. The depression in my life is coming to an end. I have life and energy and I'm not being taken advantage of any more, I'm not being pushed around, I'm being me!
I start looking for a tram home, but it drops me with a little walk to get back to my door, and I realise it's about school closing time. So instead, I catch a bus home which drops me at my door. It costs a little more, but it makes me feel at ease.
I'm beginning to make sense of things. It's become a little obvious that I am unaware of some of the daily things that women have to put up with or even what out and about, day to day feminine life can actually involve. It was also suggested, following my staring rant, that I may actually be being stared at lecherously. This gave me the creeps particularly while waiting for the tram, and having this grey slicked-back haired guy staring at me. I eventually went to stand and hide behind the tram stops information board, moving while he wasn't looking, to where he couldn't see me. More seriously though, I think it will be wise of me to look into some form of self-defensive measures. If I'm at risk when I look passable, and at risk when I don't (it happens sometimes... probably) Then it might help my general feelings of fear while out and about around home.
I'm at home and safe now though, and have spent some time chatting to my Mother on the infernal tome of countenances. Yet more questions were asked, (when, why, how?) which I tried my best to answer. She'll get used to it eventually, the real worry is my Dad. My mum had to tell my aunt and my last grandparent, and both of them were shocked, but both said they expected something like this from me. While I'm unsure how to take that, it is definitely a good reaction to get! Apparently my granddad works with a trans woman. My mum was hit hard by it all when I told her that my change of name was official, she'd been wanting to talk about it.
I have to call my sister and an old friend, and let them know about all this. While I've been struggling with trying to get through to my friend to actually talk to him, I'm struggling slightly with how he may react. I'm just going to have to do it, I know, but still, the worries are there. Same goes for my sister, although I'm more worried about who she might tell about the whole thing.
But for now, I party! In my own little unique way that involves video games, excessive snacks, and some silly dancing to loud music on my own. It sounds a little sad in text now I read it, but I'm having fun, so stuff it.
That's enough for now though...
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