Pick Your Battles

This is a message to me, from me.

I want my spirit to be high, my body to be fit, and my mind to be ready...

Wait, I'm channelling an advert...

There's been a minor kerfuffle about an advert by nationwide amongst a couple of trans people. I don't give a flying proverbial, not having a TV and not having to put up with that crap helps with that.

It did make me think of something else though.

I got involved with a little bit of the discussion, because, y'know, Sunday afternoon and I'm bored out of my freaking skull. I don't care about the advert, but whenever someone says something stupid, I pounce on that as the defender of accuracy and sense. I don't think I'm out of line, but at least I know if someone comes back to me and says “you're wrong” I'll at least have the decency to look at myself and see if I am wrong before I reply.

I've been overly worked up and tense lately. It's been keeping me from going to bed early. I don't know what it is though, I just feel on edge. I can't decide if it's all the trans stuff I've been reading, or that I'm not really sleeping enough, or if I just need a good kiss and a cuddle, or that I need to start playing a new game. It's probably all of them in some sort of complex issue-relationshippy-gaming gribbley sucking my mind out through a straw stuck in my ear...

So, a little excess energy and a lack of a direction for it. Which is why I got hooked into my webpage project so heavily, I needed the outlet. On that, my damn code only works in Chrome (my browser of choice for regular internettery), but I've made a cool, awesome, working webpage that functions how I want it to. Back to my point: the creative outlet was awesome, but now I'm back to where I was before with an excess of energy and nothing to point it at, and no, trying to force it in a direction will make it flair up in a random direction, so don't want to try that, it's the kind of thing that suggestions wont help.

So... tense, energetic, worked up, and tired. I want to do something cool, but I'm bouncing from A to B to G to F to Z to K without so much as a second at each point. I've started a list which I'm adding to whenever I think of something else I could do, but really don't have the focus to do. I've alt-tabbed back to chrome and back again about thirty or forty times since starting writing this. I got the distinct feeling of too many possibilities earlier while looking at the list, like they're too much to do collectively.

I recently reinstalled the first unreal tournament game on my laptop. My favourite thing to do on it is set up the max number of bots on a capture the flag map like face (two towers for bases and an open path between the two with no cover) and sit atop my tower with the sniper rifle until I feel like single handedly rushing the enemy base with the flak cannon and taking the flag for myself.

Bookmarks homepage revisited

Version 2.0



The four buttons along the top change all the pictures within the cells, using four versions of the page with different images specified. Click the first button and it displays table 1 with one set of pictures and hides tables 2-4, click button 3 and it shows table 3 with tables 1, 2 and 4 hidden. The problem is that it means in the html file there are four sets of my bookmark links, which means to add a new bookmark I have to add the new link in four places instead of just one. What I need to do is have the bookmark links separate and have the tables call the bookmark links into it, rather than having them built into each table. I do not know how to do this yet. This is done with javascript.

Each cell holds a section of my bookmarks, with at most 6 buttons before the cell expands and breaks the background images for that row, so in order to have more than 6 buttons in a cell I've split them into groups of 3-4 and hidden them all, and used javascript to create buttons that unhide them when you click, and hide them again when you click again. I'm sort of happy with this, the code works, but if you unhide one group in one place, it takes two clicks to unhide a group in a different place if you don't hide the first group beforehand. I'd also like to fix the cell size so that it doesn't expand the cell if you open 2 groups or more in the same cell.

Working towards my underachiever award for the year, strongly and surely.

Bookmarks Homepage

So, bugger knows what possessed me to actually do this, but I've deleted all my bookmarks and replaced them with a webpage I coded myself to be my homepage.

I am not a programmer, fluent in HTML or anything. I'm proud at what I've created, but I've no idea how I managed it...

Here's what it looks like now.



That's a 8x3 table, with button links to my bookmarks, that automatically open up in a new tab. There are also buttons hidden behind javascript tags that show themselves when you click on the tiny link. The images used for each cells picture had to be resized and cropped so that they fit.

It's just... bizarre... I scare myself sometimes at what I can pull out of nowhere.

Edited to Add: I did it all in notepad too.

Dis-Appointments

Today I had a dentist appointment: Had as in used to have, not had as in have been to. It was for this afternoon and it got cancelled. I'd call it a lucky reprieve, because I currently want to hide in a hole, but the cause of the cancellation was a death in my dentists family, so it's a bitter break. I feel like I should put the day to some use, having been given it back by such an event, but my brain is adamant that resting is a solid gold use of time. So resting it is.

In a rather plain envelope, I received notification of two more appointments made with the GIC, for the 5th... I'd be much happier for them if they were not for the 5th of July. So far, a seven month wait, then a month between first appointment and a blood test/check-up, and then a month and a half from that to the next appointment, whatever they might be. When I was told on my first appointment that they had a panel meeting for considering treatment steps every three months (IE, that meeting would be where they say 'yes, she can have hormones' as far as I understand it,) I was happy, I could be getting some treatment much faster than I expected. On thought I realised it would be closer to six months before they said yes anyway because of the timings of my first appointment and their panel meeting, now I'm sceptical that they'll have things together and say yes by the time nine months have passed. I know I'm lucky I'm being seen for treatment at all right now, and that waiting time were multiple years longer in the past, but this is a depressing state of affairs that's not helping me get some semblance of a functional routine together (as I understand it, that's one of the criteria on which they prescribe treatments too.)

The milk was off this morning too. How am I supposed to wake up and feel human without a good cup of tea to start the day?

I'm grumbly and in a bad mood, if you couldn't tell. I want things to stop being so stupid and work as they're 'supposed' to. No wonder I want to hide in a hole.

Fighting the Fears. (redux)

A danger, risk, and temptation of transitioning, is that of becoming a 'professional victim'.

Hardest to avoid is the feelings that lead to becoming agoraphobic due to a mix of cisphobia and fear for personal safety. A sort of heavy paranoia that settles in over everything and makes the simplest of activities a hard trek through harsh terrain.

On a day like this (the sun is shining) with people seemingly everywhere, is a particularly hard one to push through the fears for something as minor as a shopping trip. I guess that's why it was on my mind as I went to pick up some supplies; it took more than a few deep breaths before I pushed myself out of the door.

Everything was fine, no hassle whatsoever.

Vulnerability is a big thing for me. I'm small, and pretty weak (screw you, myth that all transsexual women are stocky builders, built like a brick outdoor lavatory). In a fight I'd have to rely on technique, except I don't have any (unless you count 'running the hell away' a technique). I feel vulnerable all the time, not just physically but emotionally too, because so much is wrapped up in people accepting me as who I am, and it only takes a slight knock to put my confidence out of commission for a little while.

I'm carrying this on as a proper article for the other blog, but personally, I'm glad I got out of the house, I was going a little crazy staying inside. I have to try so hard to keep myself active sometimes. It's not all in my head, but it's not all on the rest of the world either. 'Messy' is the word for it; there are good days and bad days.

Two Hours Later

Tidied house: check
Met with councillor: check
Eaten: check
Post about meet-up with councillor: check
Post about D&D game: check
Tea: check...

My system is just about settled down now. I was nervous as all hell before the councillor turned up (10 minutes early, I'd expected her to be late) which quickly dissolved into a good natter. I talked about a lot of things, hopefully not above my station (whatever that might be), and managed to achieve a positive outcome. It feels like I've done something great in meeting with her, and things feel good in regards to where things go from here.

I have zombies left in my monster manual to delevel, I should have a copy of monster manual 2 in a few days too, and in the meantime I'm going to work on some original monster creations. I had to make a leader vampire (Level 2 Elite Soldier Leader) from scratch (because the one in the book was level 11, too high to work with,) which was quite fun. I really want to throw it up against a party and see how it does. I'm going to go work on that now :)

Sleep

It's been a long week so far. Actually things are just long altogether at the moment. I'm not sleeping enough, a combination of a lot on my mind and that there is work being done on the house next door which usually starts a good few hours before I'm ready to be up and about.

On Monday I had an dentist appointment. Had a root canal which has left my jaw aching a lot, and I've got something wrong with my throat too. I'm not even done with the dentist yet though, which doesn't fill me with happy thoughts.

There was the IDAHO event on Monday evening too, which I posted about on here. It was a bit crap, to say the least. I posted a proper write-up on my other blog about it, but I found it really disappointing from a trans point of view. It's especially not encouraging when I find myself in a place where I really want to do something to make things better, but feel like I'm on my own because I can't find anyone else doing the same thing.

I've picked up more than a couple of levels of frustration and I feel I've got an emotional backlog piling up. Distractions and comic relief are working to a certain extent, but I feel like things are cracking up a little. I've been very aware that my behaviour has been a little off recently, I don't feel natural and flowing, I feel forced and pressured.

Maybe I just need a break point, a chance to let it all go and breathe a little.

Tomorrow I've got a meeting with a local government councillor. I've not managed to find anyone on the internet who's done similar, so I'm pretty much on my own on this one. I'm hoping it doesn't end on a 'nothing we can do' note, but it's been repeatedly battered into me that I shouldn't expect too much from it.

I still don't feel very positive about things.

A New Blog

Because I don't want to make what I think is a more personal blog about transsexual stuff and dealing with politicians and all that stuff.

Anyway, I'll put a link here http://little-tpac.blogspot.com/ and hope I'm not going over the top with it. I'm going to put some more stuff on there soon, but mostly I'm going to update it with the stuff that I get up to while communicating with the powers that be.

I'll still mention stuff like that here, but this space will be more about how I feel about things than that space which will be the stuff I'm doing or have done.

Equality – some thoughts

There's something inherently depressing about equality campaigning, especially when you happen to be a part of a minority group.

When you start to dig a little, you see that things are off balance. Misinformation is all over the place, and what holds true for another, doesn't make the slightest bit of sense for yourself. Where most people say they can, I find that I can't based solely on my minority membership, and the stupidity of what people think about me. (That, I think, is the basis of privilege.)

Then you dig a little deeper, you think you can bring people around if you can get a little clout on your side. So you go up the chain of power a little, for the most part people sympathise. You get information about what you can do from groups that have been doing this longer than you've been alive, and you do a little reading up.

Then you find out things like this  and you despair a little inside. I think my article is going to be adapted into letter form. But hey, at least there's a petition.

I'm having a disillusioned day. Bear with me and I'll try and post something positive soon...

Yhkno, Yhkno Fusyh

Drec ec y bucd ypuid fryd E't mega du fneda ypuid...

E gaab kaddehk yhkno ypuid dnyhc ecciac uh y nakimyn pycec. E'ja kud ycgat ev E fyc kaddehk semedynecdel ypuid ed; E tuh'd drehk E ys, pid E gaab kaddehk syt. E's fungehk uh yh yndelma ypuid dra drehkc dryd syga meva rynt vun y dnyhc bancuh. Hud zicd dra pek drehkc pid ymcu dra drehkc dryd yna suna cipdma, mega yddeditac, du dno du keja y muug ehdu dra ajanotyo meva uv y dnyhc bancuh. Drec ec sygehk sa y meddma ibcad yd desac, yht yhkno yd udranc. E's rubehk du ryja ed tuha pa dra desa E saad ib fedr so mulym luihlemmunc, fedr dra ehdahd uv sygehk ed y drehk icad du atilyda baubma ypuid dnyhc baubma. Dra meha "Drao'na baubma, nacbald dras" ech'd ahuikr.

E's ymcu teccybuehdat eh dra amaldeuh duu. Ed fyc y ped uv y vynca. Hud ajanouha fru fahd du juda luimt. Sucd teccybuehdehk fyc dryd so byndo teth'd kad eh, pid so yhhuoyhla ec buehdat yd dra ypocsym judehk bnulacc.

E's emm yht funh uid duu. E haat du namyq.

IDAHO - May 17th

May 17th: The IDAHO "International Day Against Homophobia and Transphobia"

In several places around the UK there will be events held to mark the day.

There is information on http://idahomophobia.org/wp/?cat=299&lang=en

The details of individual events are not easy to find on there, although, through an events magazine for Sheffield, I can tell you the details of Sheffields event. (they did print the date in said magazine as 2009 though... sloppy!)

"Sheffield - In the Pink" (from http://www.eventsheffield.co.uk/event/13356/idaho)

The International Day Against Homophobia and Transphobia (IDAHO) is designed to raise awareness of the impact of prejudice and discrimination on the health and well-being of lesbian, gay, bisexual and trans-people throughout the world and also the lives of their families, friends and colleagues. To mark this event, the Centre for HIV and Sexual Health and Sheffield City Council are arranging a One-minute Noise to speak out loudly and clearly that homophobia and transphobia are simply not acceptable. You are inviting you to join in with standing up against these forms of prejudice and discrimination.

A number of key speakers will be present to pledge their support and call for an end to homophobia and transphobia worldwide. This event will take place at The Peace Gardens, commencing at 5.30pm. The One-minute noise will take place around 6.00pm. The organisers hope you, your friends, families and partners will be able to join them.

The theme this year is "Sheffield - In The Pink" and you are invited to bring pink flags, streamers etc, or wear an item of pink clothing to the event.

I don't know if people have heard of this before, but it's something I am going to go to, and I hope I can persuade as many of you to come and support the event, as well as bringing people you know to come and support it too.

Colourless – A post to two people on a bus.

There's something about some people, where you can only wonder.

Are their lives so bland, colourless and tasteless that they find a person like me amusing?

In the colours that make up the world, is mine so rare that people can only stare? Stare and draw amusement from hushed mockery?

It must be a really sad place where no one is themselves that they come from. A fat clone of a woman and her knock off of a son, neither one unique or individual in any way.

You mock me? No, in my head it is soviet Russia, and in soviet Russia me mocks you.

I was smiling by the time you got off the bus, laughing to myself. My life is way richer, brighter, and open than yours will ever be. I will be unique, a blend of things unconventional, beautiful, and interesting, but you? Tomorrow you will be the same clone, and your son will still be a knock-off of popular culture. I have my hardships, of which I count this sort of thing to be, but at least I am me. I have thought and set my sights on something worthwhile. I wonder if, in five, ten, or maybe twenty years, you'll still be the same people who laugh at strangers who are a little bit different. I know I wont be the same timid, worried little girl.

Today; I will still be me, I won't be swayed by bigotry and hate and give in. I won't back down and give up being me. However odd you think I look. However strange you find me. However weird you consider my feelings. I am who I am, and I find your discrimination laughable. Who are you? What gives you the right? You're two nobodies on the bus, just like me. I did not forfeit my rights or humanity when things worked out this way; I am a human being, complete with thoughts and feelings. Don't you understand at least that much?

Who I am does not make me sub-human, and tonight, I wont feel any less of a woman, or a person.

You have my pity. I'm sorry you turned out the way you did.