Annoyances, cuteness, and more trouble than it's worth...

I'm having a day where I'm feeling indescribably enraged.

I mean, my thoughts today have drifted back and forth between tea, and how I might gather everyone who has and is likely to upset me into the same place, and then effectively remove them all from existence.

It's days like this that make me wonder if I would be a an omnicidal maniac if I had the resources to pull it off. It would explain why it seems like everything is trying to keep me as poor and penniless as possible.

Hayfever is occasionally burning my eyes. Now I've thought about it to put it in text, my left eye has gone “ooo, I haven't caused misery in a while! Time to start!”

I'm trying to find a new free to play mmo, that is cutesy, because I'm bored and I want something like that to play. I've got a couple of potentials, may post about them later.

My laptop's power cable stopped supplying power for about an hour earlier. I noticed my little power icon in time to go 'oh f**k' and switch off my laptop before it ran out of juice entirely. I played with the cable a little. Then moped. Then I dug out the warranty info and wondered if I could sort it out that way. I have a spare laptop (lucky me!), so it wouldn't be all bad. I switched my laptop back on for 5 mins and then copied some essential files onto my memory stick so I wouldn't be on my old laptop without anything to do. It works again now, bugger knows what I did to it to get it to do that though...

I'm especially pissed off at a nice guy I've been talking to online, who I was planning to meet next week, who has just deleted his profile on the site I was talking to him on, and has cancelled to meet up with me ever. Flimsy excuses all around and I'm wishing I'd just not bothered.

Also, web forums suck and are full of unsympathetic internet dwellers. They suck. Suck suckie suck suck.

I'm having to arrange an appointment to prove I should be on incapacity benefit too, which shall be stressful, because the common experience of these things is that if you can make it to the appointment then you are fit to work. Regardless of whether or not it is the only thing you'll be capable of doing that week. I can understand that the government may be overcommitted and need to thin down the number of people on support by finding those that don't really need it, but I feel that if they 'cut me off' I'm going to start having much more serious problems. Problematically, they want me to do it by phone, which makes me hate the world by that little bit more.

I spent yesterday performing the gamecube version of Twilight Princess, I was up until past three keeping my audience entertained. I was woken up by the stupidest stupid music of stupid I've heard from next door ever.

I feel like shouting obscenities at random things, and I'm cranky about most things. I am having a hard time with the back end of this week. The week was going pretty well too...

Self-affirming thing...

I am who I am, to quote something translated from something 'god' may have said. Did I choose it or was I made this way? Is it fixed as destiny or something I can change at any time? Is it the only course I could have taken, or am I falling through a tumbling maze?

Who cares? Maybe a philosopher, even me sometimes, but it doesn't change this fact: I am who I am. I am the goddess of my world; either through fate or choice, I am shaping it to be what I want it to be. Fighting what I do not want in my world, and nurturing the things I do want.

I define who I am, people may think otherwise, but their thoughts do not shape me. I am who I am. I may choose to adopt their perceptions to shape who I am, I may see them as such good things I adopt them without thinking. Similarly, I am worth more than those who would denigrate and deny me, their thoughts do not define and shape me, and only do when I choose to let them.

I am not content, or happy, or confident, or strong, but I am me. I am who I am, who I know I am. Sometimes I am eloquent and am who I say I am, other times I'm not, and I am not who I say I am.

Maybe this goes without saying. Maybe it's something that doesn't make sense. Maybe it's something logically cyclical, but it is the way I hold onto myself when the world calls me what I'm not or treats me as worthless. When my perceptions show me the world hates me, I turn around and tell the world “so what? I am who I am, I am not going to be what you want me to be, just because you hate me. I'm not going to bow or break under the pressure of it all, because you can not hit me hard enough. When I forget this, you win. You can push me and pull me. You can make me hide. You can make me run. You can make me hate myself.”

I am who I am. My name is Lil*** ***** ******!

News

Today I did a morning's “work” in a charity shop. I quote 'work' because I spent my morning playing with clothes, hardly work at all. I was all kinds of nervous, but I've had a day where I've just flown through on auto-pilot because my brain is on hiatus at the moment. I had pictured some horrible things last night, of how this could have gone really really badly (and for a moment, when the manager got her first real look at me, I thought they might,) but things were fine.

There wasn't even a single awkward question, which made me happy.

I've just sat and had lunch in town, where I write this. I'm at a loss for the rest of my day really, expected to have more to do. I suppose I'll wander around town or something.

What a cause of annoyance.

I decided last night that I wanted to write an article about the stupid comments people make on the street, following yet another abusive comment made at me whilst going to the shops for food. (I wouldn't usually have gone in the evening, but the circumstances dictated it this time.)

I asked around in a few places to try and get a few more viewpoints on the matter, and ended up getting much more personal comments made attacking me for being too 'sensitive' and wanting to change things, marking it out as an impossible task. It made me upset and angry, much more so than the original comment on the street.

So now I'm being told I'm too sensitive and shouldn't try to change things so that the sort of crap I have to deal with stops being acceptable.

Seems the choice as it's being put to me is to choose between ignoring my feelings and accepting that the world is a shitty place that can't be changed; Having my feelings and trying to do something about it; Having my feelings and accepting the world as unchangeable; Losing my feelings and fighting to change the world anyway.

I have to choose to feel and fight. I can't ignore my feelings because they're not small things, they're big in your face things that I have never been able to control. I can't accept the world as it is either, because it's making life so hard as to be not liveable sometimes.

So I 'fight', because I have to, because it helps me keep living. Meanwhile I'm left asking if I'm really doing the right thing, and if there's another way out of this...