Rowarghhh

This is going to be a bit all over the place, as several chains of thought that should have been placed in several different posts over the last few days are now being vented because I need to. This will not necessarily be coherent and most likely be disjointed. Enjoy the ride.

My head is on minor meltdown. I could be having some fun right now, but I've worked myself right the hell up because my house-keys are missing. I've turned my room inside out and not found them, so I have stressed my head to the point of headache. It means that the fun I could have had I'm not even in the mood for. I was all “get out of my room”, with an edge of snarl.

I've been playing Final Fantasy XII, that has been eating time like time was jelly beans and I was the game. I'm really enjoying it, needless to say maybe, but I'm getting drawn into it when I've really got other things to do. Things like writing stuff like this, which I've specifically not plugged the PS2 back in for because I knew I needed to write this stuff down. I'm glad to be running around Rabanastre again and hunting nasties!

I've been helping a friend who works around the corner from the GIC here, and I had a thought about it. It seems like the GIC has become like the promised land. A land of milk and honey, or something. I'm kind of hoping I don't have to spend 40 years wandering the wilderness before I get there (something the last letter I got from them didn't set my mind at ease about,) and that when I get there, I have enough faith in myself to not get bounced away, to spend the next 40 years trying to get back there...

I had a Starstorm game tonight, which was awesome. We keep getting to the point of it looking like we're going to get ourselves killed. Tonight was one such time. Of course we survived, My spell slinging has improved dramatically this week thanks to an interim update, the whole game still being in beta, and I, the caster of the group, seemed to have more potency running up to things and stabbing it with a spear. I still ended up having to do the stabby stabby thing, but only because I'd fired off my glamour in twelve waves, severely hurting one, and killing off the others. Much fun.

I've suspended my hunt for a new home, as many factors ebb and flow, swelling to more complex than I originally had thought. I am thinking I might try and make more of a go of finding a way to survive where I am, although while I actually get to a survivable level, I'm going to need a fair bit of help I think. I'd waived the problems thus far aside with, “I'm getting out of here”, but hopefully I'll be able to tackle them and take them down in the upcoming days.

I'm in a fourth edition Dungeons and Dragons game too. It is fun. I got the players handbook today and a DM guide from my brother. Which just distracted me for a little while. I'm looking forward to seeing how that turns out.

I have a date (second, in fact, with this person) We're doing a little shopping (too much? Maybe.) then getting food, then going to see a play. A Midsummer Night's Dream. I'm looking forward to it, but I wish I had more brain power and energy this week for it.

I have blue nail varnish on today, it's chipped and cracked all over and I've barely done anything today with my hands.

This week is the release of “The Legend of Zelda: Spirit Tracks” Something I am getting. Finances willing. I'm just trying to work it out now and I hate it when I try and work out what I've spent on what when I home and realise that I've spent money on a bit of everything I had budgeted. Anyhow, turns out I can't afford it now I look at it. Buggery... It's on my list, at least there's a chance I'll get the new Kingdom Hearts game for the DS instead for Christmas.

Speaking of Christmas, I'm in many minds about it. My dad so far has taken it all a bit badly. My decision to change my name completely has not gone down too well. He refuses to even look at pictures of me, and although he will not make a scene over Christmas, there is a high probability I will not be called by my name. While the rest of the family is dealing with it. My mum through coming to see me more often. My brother and sister are like “Fine”. My granddad also is weirdly unaffected towards the negative. My Aunt is, well, she's okay, but her daughter, my cousin, is more than likely going to be one of the little problem people as she's cut of the same cloth as the people I occasionally have trouble with in my area. This year signifies a major turning point for a lot of my family, as a few people have died, and I had, under certain definitions, to be reborn as me.

I'm getting less annoyed with the he/she mix-ups. While it is annoying that people I have never identified as male with are clonking me with with 'he's I'm trying to shrug it off a little more, because even women who have always been women on occasion get the wrong pronoun used on them. I've taken to just correcting and not making a thing of it. Although I am pleased (I wish I had a less poncey way of putting it) that people are trying to not get it wrong.

I'm so knackered! I think I've written enough for now. I could have written several paragraphs on each, but, I got new pyjama's today and now, now I want to sleep in them...

This is most certainly enough for now...

Fckscks

You know those nights where you're dying to go out and do *something*?

I'm having one of those nights.

You know those nights where you're dying to go out and do *something*, but *everything* has conspired to keep you in the house?

I'm having one of those bloody nights...

Not. Happy.

Peeves, Dreams, and Creeping Madness...

I'm knackered, so I'm having a day of rest. I still have Noddsoc Later, but I'm spending my afternoon doing nothing.

I had such a weird dream, I wandered into a street gunfight, and was asked to help. I refused, and ran around the corner, where I called the police from. One of the gunfights participants saw me and that led to me being chased around the street by a knife wielding psycho, who leapt over a car and stabbed me in the chest... Not very pleasant. I survived though, and while recovering I went to a shoe shop which belonged to my mum and took a pair from it (my mum does not own a shoe shop in the waking world, awwww)...

*intermission* I needed a drink and to sort out a painful toe.

So in this shoe shop the bastard that stabbed me comes in, shortly after someone suggests I fellate what appears to be a small kangaroo and I refuse quite fervently. Apparently it would help me heal.

Aaaaaaaanyway...

This guy, sees me and tries to run away. Somehow though, I beat him into submission and he stops trying. I get someone to call the police while he still struggles under me in a choke-hold. He's struggling too much, so I bash his head against a wall until he passes out. Then the police arrive and bring him round. I watch as they take him to the toilet, at which point he makes a break for it and one of the three police officers casually steps out after him. I protest that he'll get away, but the other two tell me to just wait, and the third officer comes back and has the guy in tow. I'm amazed and they take him away.

Then I wake up. My housemate brings me some coffee and I eventually sit up in bed to drink it, switching on my laptop and begin to write up my thoughts and feelings.

I'm feeling pissed off. Something I've complained about offline before is how living my life as a woman has increased the difficulty of my life from 'hard' to 'OMFG ARE YOU INSANE?' mode, I'm feeling that way again. I'm trying not to complain so much about it all, after all I did 'choose' to do this...

I've been asking myself the same question a lot recently (That is 'am I insane?') I'm finding myself insecure about how I look (thanks to the guys by the bus-stop yesterday who had to call out 'what are you dressed like a woman for?' from across the road.) Finding the most innocent or well meaning of things reminding me that I'm not physically how I want/should be. As well as spending my time preparing for things I'm going to on my own asking myself if today's the day I get beaten up waiting for a bus. Worst of all is that I'm finding myself asking myself 'why would anyone subject themselves to this?' and failing to come up with a tangible answer. I know it's what I have to do, (why?) but hell...

A comment on people treating me as 'trans' and not as 'woman'. It's annoying, please stop it... Who am I kidding, who's gonna read this that will actually admit they do that?

Lastly a brief diary of yesterday: It was cool!

I started off late late late, couldn't get up, missed two busses and caught the very slow one in the end. Spent the afternoon drinking tea and eating Stollen cake with a friend. I chatted with him and we wiled away the afternoon until it was time for me to go.

I caught a bus, hopped off to shop at Morrison's for snacks. Got annoyed with a fat guy who thought I was okay with people staring at me. Hopped back on a bus into town.

I found my way to the new game that's starting up. Fourth Edition Dungeons and Dragons! Woo! We did all the character generation this week. I created a half-orc fighter, I'm calling her 'Hahanr'.

Then I came home. Did a little research on reporting harassment (something I'd noted I really needed to do just in case.) and watched the Doctor Who episode from the weekend. It wasn't as bad as I thought it was going to be, but it wasn't the best I've ever seen. It's probably about average, which is to say, a little blah.

And so, my blog ends. This is enough for now...

End if the Week

My mind is in low-power mode, so bear with me if I don't make much sense. It's been a busy week and I'm looking forward to shutting down and sleeping like a crazy person.

Anyway I've made two trouser snakes... That is two draught excluder's. I've spent yesterday evening and most of today cutting my old boy-clothes into strips, stuffing them into and sewing up the ends of old jeans legs. They're now on duty at my bedroom door, where a clear two inch gap used to reside.

I still have enough clothes left to make more though. I think I'll let my scissor weary hands rest a couple of days before making the next one. I don't really need another one though, so I might hold off for now and think about what else I could make out of what I've got left. (Patchwork skirt? Tea cosy? Dice bag? The options are endless!)

My search for homes could be going better too, I've completely failed to get in touch with one person I was meant to, and I'm beginning to feel a little despairing about it. I'm actually beginning to think about actually making a physical list of the reasons I need to move to make me actually do something about it, but really, I'm just too tired to at the moment.

I've been helping out a friend, doing some work for her, but I've not been paid for it yet. She needs the help though, so I'm not going to get pissy about not getting paid because she doesn't need the stress, but it is beginning to annoy.

I'm tired. I have a hot water bottle and I'm thinking that this is it for this week. I've had enough and need to rest.

For next week though, I'm getting bored of being on my own all the time. Anyone want to hang out with me?

That's enough for now though...

Not a good day for plans...

...but still a good day, despite the day occurring in this week.

Okay, I still totally overslept, and my Wednesday night game got cancelled, but I did manage to get out, get some new make-up, some new (warmer) clothes. I didn't manage to get out of the city centre to shop, but that's okay.

I'm in a silly mood, possibly based on tiredness.

I met someone in town I've never met before. She kinda just stopped me as I was passing by. Patricia, or Pat. We chatted for a few minutes (I was looking for food, so my mind was a little elsewhere.

I'm going to go do something helpful tomorrow. Which is displacing an awesome plan I've got for my old boy things. I've got a bag full of happy little things that need some happy little destruction! I'll probably do it on Friday after my next doc's appointment.

I've got a lot of energy problems at the moment, although it's nothing outside of the norm. I've been kept busy Monday and Tuesday this week with a training course I didn't have to do, at all, to try and help me find work again (which I am actually under no obligation to at the moment,) which was typical training course stuff. I was bored through most of it, and I have jumped ship to get away from the rest of the weeks material. I just didn't have the motivation/interest/energy to see it through. Starting every session at 9am doesn't work for someone like me, who for some reason operates on a day that has far more hours than the average day. Routine like that is currently an impossibility.

I have to report that someone I knew online died recently, completely unexpectedly. While I had not met her in person, I had vague plans to do something with her sometime. The news is haunting me a little. We had a shared experience in the stupid internet harassment (she had been a victim of it only a few weeks earlier) I feel bad about it, and it's filled my head with all manner of thoughts, questions and dullness. I feel sorry for her partner too, who seems to be dealing with it awesomely, she told me the details online. All this happened on Monday night.

I'll leave it at this for now though...

Having a little difficulty here

I hate my body right now.

If it's not that it's the wrong shape in the wrong places, and has bits it shouldn't, it's that when I put some effort into preparing to go out and do something it fails to actually let me follow through on my preparations.

I plan a route, set my clothes out for the day, go to bed early, and still, when my alarms go off the next morning, brain says no, I switch them off, and sleep for another five hours, despite my protests, and the extra sleep has made my head foggy and dull, and the rest of my body stiff and slow.

I just have absolutely no control over my semi-conscious state at all.

I ******** hate it.

Guild of Calamitous Intent

What a day...

My date was just plain awesome!

I mean, a pack of FF8 playing cards and a FF3 soundtrack CD, imported from presumably Japan, and two pairs of socks (slight fixation on my part).

I'm listening to the FF3 soundtrack now. I've not unwrapped it though; I've just downloaded it. It's still in it's original plastic wrapping and it's pretty damn awesome.

I almost can't believe it. We chatted, wandered round some shops, got food, then I saw him to the train station. He's nice, cute and friendly. I was quite comfortable being close to him.

I'm looking forward to the second date.

Tonight was Noddsoc too! Starstorm is going brilliantly. I'm planning on writing a short based on what we did tonight. I'll probably do it over the weekend and post it here!

Lastly though, on a less positive note, I got another email from an unknown aggressor. Very shaking but I'm okay.

I think I'm just dealing with this guy:

For some reason they're hurling threats about and trying to hurt my feelings. I'd like to know why, but it's unlikely I ever will. They claim I need to give up my transition, and are trying to dissuade me from living my life how I have to. The funniest thing about it is the reasoning against is actually strengthening my reasoning for. They're actually helping me become more sure of myself rather than making me feel less secure.

I'm done tying to talk to them, instead, I'm going to give them a warning, and then take it to the police. I've also been cutting down my information online, and changing my url's for my blog and pictures hompages as well as removing links to the blog and my pictures on certain sites too.

Advice on relevant departments to talk to within the police would help, but I've got general enquiries and an email to a specialist to help me out a little with it.

And in reference of the title of this blog post: It refers to the latest season of The Venture Brothers. Season four is now three episodes in. Much fun!

Complications

I'm house-hunting at the moment. I need a little help with it.

I'm looking for a shared house, preferably central Sheffield or good area with decent public transport links. I'm feeling very pressured about it. On one hand I don't feel safe or comfortable in the area I live in (too many chavs and people more likely to physically lash out at me, and I've been feeling it a lot lately), and on the other hand, I feel my house mate needs me to stick around despite what feels like continuous pushing away. So far my search is failing because I keep getting caught up by student houses, and I am not a student.

So I'm feeling a lot of pressure at the moment, I'm struggling to know what the right thing to do is, and especially what I need to do for myself. I don't feel like I'm doing all I can for myself, or that I'm able to, because I'm either too afraid to go out, or too meek to stand up for what I want, or just too tired to be able to put the effort in to what I need to do.

I've been feeling the need for space, but it's not so much space away from people, but space to be allowed to feel what I feel and think what I think. My confidence keeps taking hits when I make up my mind about something and then get pretty much over-ridden.

All that in consideration, it's not all doom and gloom. I've got a date tomorrow, during the day. While I've got the nerves of someone who hasn't really dated much, I'm feeling fairly confident. I'm just hoping my energy recovers a little, because I feel like I've been zombified and have the look to go with it. I've picked a fairly cool outfit for the day too, and it's amazing what you can pull off with make-up, so it won't be so bad. At least I get to sleep fairly late, so that should help a lot too. I met him on OKCupid. We get along in quite a few different ways, so I hope in meeting him we will still get along well.

That's enough for now...