Fighting the Fears. (redux)

A danger, risk, and temptation of transitioning, is that of becoming a 'professional victim'.

Hardest to avoid is the feelings that lead to becoming agoraphobic due to a mix of cisphobia and fear for personal safety. A sort of heavy paranoia that settles in over everything and makes the simplest of activities a hard trek through harsh terrain.

On a day like this (the sun is shining) with people seemingly everywhere, is a particularly hard one to push through the fears for something as minor as a shopping trip. I guess that's why it was on my mind as I went to pick up some supplies; it took more than a few deep breaths before I pushed myself out of the door.

Everything was fine, no hassle whatsoever.

Vulnerability is a big thing for me. I'm small, and pretty weak (screw you, myth that all transsexual women are stocky builders, built like a brick outdoor lavatory). In a fight I'd have to rely on technique, except I don't have any (unless you count 'running the hell away' a technique). I feel vulnerable all the time, not just physically but emotionally too, because so much is wrapped up in people accepting me as who I am, and it only takes a slight knock to put my confidence out of commission for a little while.

I'm carrying this on as a proper article for the other blog, but personally, I'm glad I got out of the house, I was going a little crazy staying inside. I have to try so hard to keep myself active sometimes. It's not all in my head, but it's not all on the rest of the world either. 'Messy' is the word for it; there are good days and bad days.