The Battle Rages On

I'm feeling depressed today. I've been ditched (I'm all alone, my house mate has left the house before I woke up and I've no idea where she's gone,) and I'm feeling lonely.

I've been up most of the night playing stupid games. Finally going to bed maybe an hour or so before dawn. My sleeping pattern is a little buggered at the moment since I got drunk off my tits unintentionally on Saturday night. Aside from apologising for that I'm feeling the need to apologise for a lot of things.

I get the feeling I am being a terrible house mate. I try to do my share of the housework, and take care of the place, but I feel like I'm neglecting (and being neglected in return) my house mate. I don't know what is going on between the two of us most of the time and I feel like I would make a terrible partner to her, as I'm barely managing to be a decent companion. As far as the fun relationship stuff goes, I'm not getting any at the moment, no body wants to play with me. I've tried to be more affectionate, but it feels like it's going to waste and not being taken in.

I just feel like everything is wrong. I don't feel safe, I don't feel secure, and I don't feel like everything is going to be all right. The area I live in barely feels safe to go out in even during the day. I've not really recovered from the break-in here, and still feel like the house could be broken into easily again. Those closest to me seem to be going through as much as I am at the moment, so even though I feel like I'm risking my personal safety every time I step outside, or the nervousness I feel over whether or not people will accept me every time I do something social isn't something I really feel like I can talk about.

I feel like things aren't really going anywhere. While I seem to be blundering through the NHS with my transition fairly well, the rest of my time isn't spent doing anything really constructive. I barely write any more except for things like my blog. I haven't heard anything from the Shaw Trust since before I stopped doing things as a boy; but I don't really feel capable of doing much either, even a day of fairly light activity seems to wipe me out for days. I mostly accept that I can't do much, but a lot of time I end up feeling bad because I'm not doing much. I feel guilty because I'm not pulling my weight, or making much of an impact in what I do. It's like I feel like I should be the life and soul of the party, all the time.

I feel limited and restricted. I feel like I'm in trouble all the time and have to fight to retain any sort of dignity or respect; like everything I do is wrong. I just need telling that things are okay, I need words, telling, talking to. I just wish I believed myself when I tell myself these things. Maybe it'd help if I didn't keep everybody at arms length, mentally, emotionally and physically. I feel like such a mess, but I can't talk about it because I can't find a way to, through other people's issues. My drama takes a back seat to anybody elses, and in the end it gets bottled up until I end up writing a depressed rant such as this one and posting it on my blog.

I've had enough for now... I'm off to do something else.