“I” went out

“I” went out, big deal? Yes, because my boy self was out... After four weeks of being free, I'm now stuck back in a cage, or so it feels.

I've lost my tolerance for pretending to be male.

I spent maybe an hour or two yesterday dressed as a boy as not to freak out my housemate's mother, but in the end caved in and had to get changed. She actually took it amazingly, despite not recognising me at all and having a “what are you doing in my house?”moment. It gave me a little happy buzz.

I went out for tea last night with Isabelle, a girl I know nearby and my housemate. Most scary bit was crossing the bar to get to the toilets once it started to get later and the pub filled with middle aged men set on getting their drink on. I'm comfortable with the ladies loo's too, something that fills me with a little reservation, but so far there's never been anyone in them.

I believe I have an appointment for the psychiatrist now, in November. November! The letter itself doesn't actually say what it's about at all, so I'm contemplating just calling up and finding out (and maybe trying to get an earlier appointment too.)

But anyway: Today.

Wake up to the sound of my alarm clock, which goes off about 10 minutes before the postman knocks on my door with a new pair of boots for me (they're gorgeous!). I spend about about 20 minutes trying them on and walking about the house with them on, to get a feel for them. I like them a lot. Then, I go back to bed.

A few hours later I get up again. Try on my new boots again. Then I choose an outfit to wear for the day; Calf length skirt, tights, shoes, white and blue blouse; But I don't put them on, not just yet. I instead put on a pair of jeans and a t-shirt and cringe. I do not want to go out looking like this, but I need tea and food, including breakfast.

Out I go, and storm clouds gather. I literally stomp my way up the road and back again, and I hate everything that's making me do this as a boy. I hate it, I hate it, I hate it...

I get back and change, suddenly my world is right again. I apologise to myself, but I don't know what I can do about it. This place, it's just not that safe, I don't want to hide at all, but my personal safety almost demands it. I want to live as a woman, and ideally it wouldn't be a problem, but being born male has made me have to make allowances; allowances I'm getting less and less inclined to make.

I don't want to end up being a shut in over my gender, I need to move. Maybe I will be able to get away with it here, maybe I'll be lucky enough not to get caught by the wrong people at the wrong place at the wrong time.

The weather's getting crap again. When I was in school I preferred it when it was raining, it meant that the more messed up kids who'd make my life difficult sometimes were less likely to hang around in the places I'd only have myself to look after me. I might begin to prefer it again, but now I wear things like strappy sandals and LBD's, and I'm not exactly built well enough to weather the weather!

I spoke to my mum today, not about anything related to me though. There's a lot going on back home at the moment. I didn't feel able to really say anything at all. I always have to wait for the few seconds after everything is clam before I can make a move. I need quiet, I need peace, I need space.

I've been getting a lot of attention recently, it feels like there's more people interested in me than I have room to accommodate. I still feel like the thing I desire is still out of reach though. It doesn't help that I don't know what it is I want. Am I waiting for the strong commanding type to whisk me away and look after me happily ever after?

Bleh, I'm getting soppy!

That's enough for now...