I had a doctors appointment in the morning. It was a routine appointment, but I had one of them flashes of inspiration on Tuesday night, which highlighted anxiety as the main reason I don't go out sometimes. Some days, I just can't push myself above the worries and doubts of how other people will be about me, or how I look, especially if I'm tired or stressed, because that will make me give up before I'm even close to trying to push past it. I took this to the doctor, and I'm now taking Citalopram, I know my general stance is that I don't like taking pills to feel good, but I'm overriding that with the basic need to be functional. My worries stop me doing stuff, then I feel like crap, then I worry more. I have so much I want to do, but I keep getting hung up on things and not doing anything. I need to break that cycle, and if medication is the way to go, then that's the way I'm going.
I've been saying I was going to get in touch with the GIC about where I am on the waiting list, but the doctor offered to get in touch with them to find out where I was instead. This takes a little strain off me, and if I'd have realised I could have asked them to do it, I probably would have a lot sooner than now.
I picked up some shopping on the way home, because I was in need of more tea, and I got myself a treat for getting out.
Getting home was easy, getting back out again was a hard. I had some food, sorted out a couple of minor household things, and pushed myself back out of the door when I saw a bus on its way. I'd wanted to do some shopping, and there were some things I wanted. I ended up spending more than I wanted to, but I at least managed to get the shopping I wanted to do out of my system.
I had a great day overall. It felt really progressive, and, with the exception of the taxi-driver on the way home, I didn't notice any unnecessary fuss from randoms. (The taxi-driver called me sir, several times, and did I correct him? No. Small steps, when I get better I'll make more of a fuss when people mis-gender me.)
Something that has changed though, is that I'm taking more personal responsibility for the way things are in my life. I know that things around me are a bit crappy, but instead of waiting for them to get better, I'm trying to sort out the problems in myself out first. Instead of saying “when things get better” I'm saying “when I get better” which feels like a whole world of more productive, because it's something that is more personally achievable at this point. When I get better, and can do more, I can get on with doing the things to make the situation better. It seems to make more sense as a course of action.
And finally, I picked up a copy of The Orange Box for the 360 on a whim. I now have more than one Xbox 360 game (I still maintain that the only reason I bought the damn thing was for FF13, and that is was way cheaper than getting a PS3 for only one game,) Either way, once I finally finish up Final Fantasy 13 (120 hours and counting,) I'll have a reason to not pack up the 360 until I want to play FF13 again.
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