Here's an emotional rant, written mostly because I needed to and posted so that I know it's out of my system. Not suitable for children or those with weak constitutions. Not recommended for public or private use. Really, turn back now. Close the tab, go check your email or something.
I'm getting sick of this crap.
I'm depressed; again. I'm not feeling myself at the moment. I don't feel like doing anything. It's been a persistent feeling for the last week. I had a little burst of doing stuff and feeling great for it, but following it I've done little more than shut down and wish I could be just left alone. I've been secretly glad that some stuff has fallen through, because I've had no brain-power left.
I've done everything I need to for the moment. I'm on top of things mostly. All the big stuff is taken care of, and while I'm left with a few housekeeping and self-care things to do, I've no big pressing things to care care of except for one thing, which isn't something I can actually do, but will completely fuck me over if it doesn't get done; no matter what I do, it's not working. I just want to be able to switch off for a while.
I just can't though. Maybe that's why I feel so damn detached from myself. I'm in a different place trying to recover my energies before plunging back into life and action. Meanwhile, I need a lock for my door.
I hate having to rant online. I try to get it out but when there's no one around to listen it's just got to go somewhere. Maybe I could just save this to a file on my computer (nice shiny new laptop no less) but then it wouldn't feel expended; it would feel buried and ignored, and by association, I would.
Fuck that.
This isn't all my fault though. I know I dragged my heels on some things, but I'm not the only one sitting on shit that's got to get done. I know I fucked up; I know it. I've been trying to do my bit to get things back together, but if I'm not worked with, I might as well be pissing in the breeze. I'm sick of feeling like I'm the one completely fucking up everything. Isn't it obvious that I'm fighting as hard as I can? When I turn around and say 'I can't do no more', it's not me being stubborn, it's me saying that I've nothing left to give. I'm out. My batteries are fried. I've lost my sources of power. I've not got enough MP left. I've locked up. Frozen.
I've been having some strange and shitty dreams lately too. Not so bad that I could call them nightmares, but bad enough that I've just woke up feeling like shit. They've been creepy as all hell too. I've been doing things in them that I've just felt so bad about. It's like my antithesis is in my dream world and controlling what I'm seeing. It's like I go to bizzaro world when I go to sleep. It's opposite day in my dreams. I can't even begin to try and describe what's been going on there, it's just too... sick.
I miss when things were easy. I know it's really not helpful, but I can't help but keep thinking about and asking myself where it all started to go down the tubes. I don't get it either, maybe I'm just getting older and that's all it is. I'm doing stuff now that I wish I'd started doing years ago, but I know that I needed all that did come before to get where I am today. So I'm left with a general sense of not being happy in the here and now, unhappy with the way things were, but not knowing how it could have been any different. I'd ask for one of those reboot thingies that the movies seem to be infatuated with at the moment, but I'm not sure I'd even want it. I'd want to do it all the same, but really, knowing what would happen I'd just manipulate the whole situation and though I might end up getting what I want, I'd feel like crap because I know what I'd have to sacrifice...
Damn it.
Okay, I think I'm done now. Crying's helped, I feel a bit better
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