Buh...
Write thing... yeah...
Take one woman with exceptional body issues, add an extremely soft pain in the back of the head, as well as general stiffness and tiredness, and occasionally throw in a niggly thought for distractions sake and you'll end up with me, as I've been all day today.
Can I focus? Can I buggery.
Can I care? I wouldn't count on it.
I've not been able to focus on anything at all today.
I thought I'd write a thing and drop a few chains of thought that've been in my head the last week.
I was faced with the prospect of actual violence recently, and a thought on it has been occupying my head. I hate personal violence, but I enjoy fantasy violence, be it in film, game, or other media. I'm not a violent person at all though, I don't have the size, strength, or even capacity to be effective doing violence, and if faced with a problem, I don't lean towards the aggressive as a way to solve it. The threat of actual violence in my immediate vicinity is incredibly worrying, and it was one of the main reasons I wanted to move away from the area I used to live in. Regardless of whether or not it was exaggerated, I felt a very high risk of negative treatment, and that it could quite easily escalate regardless of what I tried to do in that situation. I was glad when I moved and found the area of my new home a lot less threatening; something that is still an accurate description of it.
I've been thinking a bit about my relationships with other people as well.
I'm not the kind of person who needs a shoulder to cry on very often, or even someone to listen. Mostly because I vent like this, or things just stop being relevant very quickly. I have some problems expressing myself sometimes, mostly because my problems feel like one of those things that people can't really offer any real advice for. It's hard to find people that I have regular contact with, that I feel I can rely on to talk to for support, or have had a similar experience of things to me, or generally be looked up to as a role model. My standards for people I can rely on are really quite high, so I don't really have anyone like that at the moment. I think I need someone like that around though, who, when they ask how I'm doing, doesn't get a short or vague answer from me. Everyone I feel close to at the moment are people who I want to listen to, rather than talk to. Maybe this is why I feel distinctly drained and uncaring about people at the moment. I'm not being a jerk-ass or anything, I'm just avoiding and limiting my contact with people. It makes me feel lonely, at any rate.
I've had more appointments with the NHS' Sheffield GIC this week too.
I'm not really liking the process so much. The people involved seem friendly enough, but I'm grating against some of the phrases and descriptions of things that, if I wasn't reliant on these people, would be enough for me to be put off by. I have a general problem in expressing the gender
dysphoria I suffer, in finding that a lot of the language I might use to describe it heavily undermines the perception of myself as female. I hate a lot of the language of trans-ness for the same reason. It doesn't express me as I experience myself, a woman with exceptional body issues. A lot of the language I hear at the GIC falls into this. It feels like being trans is a huge cliché that I am supposed to live up to for some reason. While dealing with them I don't feel like I'm allowed to have much of my own personality and that my life should be a shining, stereotypical example of what femininity is (I barely think I get anywhere near it some days). Most annoying is that at the moment I am having a lot of problems with being mis-gendered, and it's getting harder to keep believing that even people I see regularly and/or like actually see me as a woman, giving way to the belief that they see me as a bloke who is a bit 'special'. I don't even feel like I can express that in person though, because of the general problem I have expressing the problems I have on this side of things. It's making things stressful for me.
On a more positive note, in regards of the GIC, I seem to be on track for a September decision on the first stage of treatment. I have worries about it, mostly revolving around whether or not stage one will actually do anything to my body at all. I can only wait and see.
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