There's a visitor in the house, I was warned that there would be, but it didn't register with me when there would be. I need to vent out some bad feeling (the point of this post is pretty much to get it out of my system so that I can get sleep tonight), which may sound harsher to those that are reading this that were there than to those who read this that weren't.
I'm not visibly showing it (showing it means drawing attention to it means drawing attention to being trans means that I undermine the perception of me as a woman), but I am taking being misgendered by people hard still. It may be that living with people who are now getting it right and living in an area where people seem to either not care about or not react to me so getting less of the misgendering which means I'm losing some of the mental defences I've put up to stop myself getting so wound up when it happens, and so I'm feeling it more when it happens. (I'm not particularly thick skinned at a basic level, although most of my feelings are internally felt rather than externally expressed.)
We played a Battlestar Galactica board game, which for the first half consisted of being misgendered by the visitor. I couldn't actually play the game or enjoy it because I reverted to joking around to give myself the fortitude to not just lose all my energy or just walk out. I think after a while I started sounding actually angry when correcting it, because after the sixth or seventh correction I received a little text apologising for him. A couple more times after that he apologised too, which at least meant he was trying to get it right instead of being spiteful/stubborn. I loosened up after that a little, an apology at least goes a little way, but not enough for me to want to spend much more time with him if I can help it. (I'm sure he's lovely or something else endearing, but this is something that stops me from feeling able to get to know him. Like most people, I can't spend time with someone who accidentally does something that upsets me.)
After that we played another board game, where all the characters are men (stupid gritty fantasy setting means no women anywhere, ever) which means I can't tell if people are using 'him' to refer to me or the character, and so I don't feel capable of challenging it, and it feels awkward to actually just go 'screw the world, the character's a woman' for the sole purpose of making myself feel less touchy while playing the game. Really I should do that, because I don't enjoy it nearly as much as I could. It's part of why I don't play as men in roleplaying games (despite actually wanting to sometimes) because I can't cope easily with being labelled as male, even if it's not me but an aspect I have control of that is male.
So yeah, I'm not sure I gained anything from this evening except a little knock to my confidence (which has been going full steam ahead lately) which makes me wonder if I'd have been better off not joining in (aside from the fact I would already in bed now and asleep, instead of awake and angsty).
Also, I'm wondering what kind of excuse 'made of fail' is. I know for this guy in particular it's a lovable affectation, which is cool for stuff that doesn't matter, but I don't think it's fair to extend that to making upsetting mistakes consistently with things that actually matter such as people's feelings (the corrections stopped after he apologised, and yeah, the mis-gendering still happened twice afterwards, but there was no opportunity to object). If I was treated like that by him in what I understand to be his professional capacity, I would have launched a complaint to his employers. Maybe I just wasn't clear enough in how much it bugs me (“dude, you really need to stop calling me 'he', it's ruining the game for me,”) so I don't get to be so bothered by it.
(I'm not actually sure 'made of fail' was used to excuse the misgendering in particular, I don't think it was, but it stuck in my head, and on re-reading the paragraph I noticed but I didn't want to erase it because I needed those thoughts out of my head, but I wanted to add that he was described as clueless as part of the apology on his behalf. Either way, admitting being a little clueless neither excuses or makes it any less upsetting when they continue to mess up.)
I think being labelled male on first meeting just relays the persons initial perception and can't really be helped sometimes (it helps me sleep at night to think of it that way), once corrected though, either the perception changes, or a cognizant recognition should step in to stop you getting it wrong. If neither of those things happen, then I start to write off people as potential friends, or as potential positive acquaintances. They've either not accepted my word for what I am gender wise (who are they to tell me what I am?) or they don't care enough about others to guard their tongue enough against slipping up and potentially offending people (again, should I have been more clear, or were the corrections enough?) and I start to get bothered by that in a way that builds up and needs letting out in some way before I can relax (such as writing a journal piece analysing my feelings).
I've run out of steam on this and I'm knackered, so bedtime now. I think the vent's been opened wide enough to let some fresh air in, which I'm filling with more positive things, such as how I actually seem to have money at the moment, or how some new furniture I've got really makes my room a lot better.
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