Here's an emotional rant, written mostly because I needed to and posted so that I know it's out of my system. Not suitable for children or those with weak constitutions. Not recommended for public or private use. Really, turn back now. Close the tab, go check your email or something.
I'm getting sick of this crap.
I'm depressed; again. I'm not feeling myself at the moment. I don't feel like doing anything. It's been a persistent feeling for the last week. I had a little burst of doing stuff and feeling great for it, but following it I've done little more than shut down and wish I could be just left alone. I've been secretly glad that some stuff has fallen through, because I've had no brain-power left.
I've done everything I need to for the moment. I'm on top of things mostly. All the big stuff is taken care of, and while I'm left with a few housekeeping and self-care things to do, I've no big pressing things to care care of except for one thing, which isn't something I can actually do, but will completely fuck me over if it doesn't get done; no matter what I do, it's not working. I just want to be able to switch off for a while.
I just can't though. Maybe that's why I feel so damn detached from myself. I'm in a different place trying to recover my energies before plunging back into life and action. Meanwhile, I need a lock for my door.
I hate having to rant online. I try to get it out but when there's no one around to listen it's just got to go somewhere. Maybe I could just save this to a file on my computer (nice shiny new laptop no less) but then it wouldn't feel expended; it would feel buried and ignored, and by association, I would.
Fuck that.
This isn't all my fault though. I know I dragged my heels on some things, but I'm not the only one sitting on shit that's got to get done. I know I fucked up; I know it. I've been trying to do my bit to get things back together, but if I'm not worked with, I might as well be pissing in the breeze. I'm sick of feeling like I'm the one completely fucking up everything. Isn't it obvious that I'm fighting as hard as I can? When I turn around and say 'I can't do no more', it's not me being stubborn, it's me saying that I've nothing left to give. I'm out. My batteries are fried. I've lost my sources of power. I've not got enough MP left. I've locked up. Frozen.
I've been having some strange and shitty dreams lately too. Not so bad that I could call them nightmares, but bad enough that I've just woke up feeling like shit. They've been creepy as all hell too. I've been doing things in them that I've just felt so bad about. It's like my antithesis is in my dream world and controlling what I'm seeing. It's like I go to bizzaro world when I go to sleep. It's opposite day in my dreams. I can't even begin to try and describe what's been going on there, it's just too... sick.
I miss when things were easy. I know it's really not helpful, but I can't help but keep thinking about and asking myself where it all started to go down the tubes. I don't get it either, maybe I'm just getting older and that's all it is. I'm doing stuff now that I wish I'd started doing years ago, but I know that I needed all that did come before to get where I am today. So I'm left with a general sense of not being happy in the here and now, unhappy with the way things were, but not knowing how it could have been any different. I'd ask for one of those reboot thingies that the movies seem to be infatuated with at the moment, but I'm not sure I'd even want it. I'd want to do it all the same, but really, knowing what would happen I'd just manipulate the whole situation and though I might end up getting what I want, I'd feel like crap because I know what I'd have to sacrifice...
Damn it.
Okay, I think I'm done now. Crying's helped, I feel a bit better
Thursday, 28 January 2010
Friday, 15 January 2010
A Little Wonder
Things that happen on the internet aren't really real. I've been spoofed somewhere, and it's a very unflattering spoof. 'Victim' of a troll I guess, not a personal thing either, seems several key figures on the website have been spoofed too, but I am surprised that I seem worth the effort too.
The thing is, I understand trolling. People whining about things that don't matter. The excessive reaction of someone to something fairly innocuous. It is, admittedly, fairly amusing at times as people over-react, act like the top dog, and behave like the internet owes them a modicum of respect.
My own opinion on the matter is that it stops being fun once people start to feel hurt. A hurtful comment in real life owes an apology, however truthful. A hurtful comment in virtual life should be the same. This is how I behave, everyone has their lives, live and let live. Have fun, enjoy yourself, but not at the expense of others feelings.
The internet isn't a real place though. I once thought it was; I described it as a vast metropolis, but it seems more like a pit of hell, with some small patches of light. I wonder now why I even stay online at all some days, as my inboxes fill with bar-room chat-up lines, and scorn related to a large part of who I am. I do get some meaningful messages from people I know and like, but really, given all the problems that do come up, I still am left wondering.
How do you deal with the internet forum troll for example? Reacting in any way results in them stepping up the game; Gives them power over you, as you suddenly start to feel what they want you to feel. Non-reaction feels like a cop-out, like you haven't dealt with the harm you've suffered. This wondering is probably my reaction, like removing the pictures that show my face on some sites, it's me pulling back a little from it all and asking why. I already know why though. Someone thought, somewhere, that it would be funny. They're not arseholes, cunts, bastards, or fuckers; they're people. The rules that supposedly apply to real life don't apply to the virtual, leaving confused people only asking themselves why.
Back in reality though, nothing much is different. Life goes on. I wake up, do stuff, go to bed. The sun rises and the sun sets.
The internet is boring lately.
The thing is, I understand trolling. People whining about things that don't matter. The excessive reaction of someone to something fairly innocuous. It is, admittedly, fairly amusing at times as people over-react, act like the top dog, and behave like the internet owes them a modicum of respect.
My own opinion on the matter is that it stops being fun once people start to feel hurt. A hurtful comment in real life owes an apology, however truthful. A hurtful comment in virtual life should be the same. This is how I behave, everyone has their lives, live and let live. Have fun, enjoy yourself, but not at the expense of others feelings.
The internet isn't a real place though. I once thought it was; I described it as a vast metropolis, but it seems more like a pit of hell, with some small patches of light. I wonder now why I even stay online at all some days, as my inboxes fill with bar-room chat-up lines, and scorn related to a large part of who I am. I do get some meaningful messages from people I know and like, but really, given all the problems that do come up, I still am left wondering.
How do you deal with the internet forum troll for example? Reacting in any way results in them stepping up the game; Gives them power over you, as you suddenly start to feel what they want you to feel. Non-reaction feels like a cop-out, like you haven't dealt with the harm you've suffered. This wondering is probably my reaction, like removing the pictures that show my face on some sites, it's me pulling back a little from it all and asking why. I already know why though. Someone thought, somewhere, that it would be funny. They're not arseholes, cunts, bastards, or fuckers; they're people. The rules that supposedly apply to real life don't apply to the virtual, leaving confused people only asking themselves why.
Back in reality though, nothing much is different. Life goes on. I wake up, do stuff, go to bed. The sun rises and the sun sets.
The internet is boring lately.
Monday, 11 January 2010
Made of Fail
I'm having a bad night. I can tell it's not going well because I've just written a long rant about how much I hate being so damn introverted sometimes. I'm in that middle place where I'm just on the verge of crying, but not quite over the edge enough to actually start.
I hate that parts of who I am make me hate myself. I like me, I want to like me, but when 'me' starts lashing out at people because 'me' needs to be alone it gets a little hard; Or when 'me' starts turning down doing things that I really want to do or doesn't have the energy to do things that need doing I start to feel that my love for me is getting a little strained; Or even when 'me' makes everything about 'me' and forgets that other people might need me for things.
Anyway, I've saved you from most of the whining, I'm going to curl up for a while and maybe play some FF, maybe I'll feel a bit better.
I hate that parts of who I am make me hate myself. I like me, I want to like me, but when 'me' starts lashing out at people because 'me' needs to be alone it gets a little hard; Or when 'me' starts turning down doing things that I really want to do or doesn't have the energy to do things that need doing I start to feel that my love for me is getting a little strained; Or even when 'me' makes everything about 'me' and forgets that other people might need me for things.
Anyway, I've saved you from most of the whining, I'm going to curl up for a while and maybe play some FF, maybe I'll feel a bit better.
Friday, 8 January 2010
Gaming Exploits
Lately we (me and my housemate) have been playing a lot of sonic games on the Gamecube through the Sonic Mega Collection. I say we, it's mostly her with me occasionally jumping in for the more tricky parts. We've been playing Sonic 3 and Kunckles the most, out of all of them, and have the music bouncing around my head constantly while not playing, and I have most of the entrances to special stages memorised. I still have an on-going game of FF12 though, that I'd like to get back to sometime soon...
I've got a copy of Kingdom Hearts, Chain of Memories, never has a game caused me so much effort to tear myself away from it. I don't want to play it yet, as I still need to get a hold of the original Playstation Kingdom Hearts game. I've forgotten most of the story and such, and want to play through them all in order of continuity; So, I need Kindgom Hearts one.
I also got a copy of Final Fantasy: Dawn of Souls, that is, FF1 and 2. I think I'll start no.1 again once I finish FF12. I'm glad to have a copy of this game again; I have the PSX's version of 1 & 2, but the GBA version has extra dungeons them. Next on the list to get for Final Fantasy is a copy of Final Fantasy: Anthology, then comes saving for Final Fantasy 13, and a console to play it on. That's going to be expensive, but my birthday is just before the release, so I will probably ask family to give me money towards it rather than give presents. (With my family though, I'm still going to need to save up a lot in the meantime...)
Meanwhile, My DS (in need of replacement because it's missing bits of it's 'shell' which means the upper screen no longer stays in place at the angle you want, but needs to be held in the position you want it in,) has been passively levelling up my attack attributes in my Castlevania: Order of Ecclesia game. This is in preparation for the challenge of a max level cap of 1, hard mode game. (I can carry over my abilities and attribute stats from the game I'm playing.) If I can do it, I get to increase my max level cap to 255. I'll probably save levelling to 255 for another playthrough though. I think I'll move onto Harmony of Dissonance when I'm done.
Oh yes, Exploits:
On the first act of the launch base zone in sonic 3, you can use your spin dash to chain kill enemies if you continuously charge it up whilst in between the alarm posts. After 10 minutes, you can have about 50 extra lives.
The easiest way to train attributes on Order of Ecclesia, is to equip Reflectio, Tower ring, and Emperor ring, and other equipment to bring your defence up to 78, then in a room with two White Formor's, hold up. Wedge the button on up and go to sleep, you'll get 24 points a minute. It takes about 45 hours to max it out from 0.
That's all for now!
I've got a copy of Kingdom Hearts, Chain of Memories, never has a game caused me so much effort to tear myself away from it. I don't want to play it yet, as I still need to get a hold of the original Playstation Kingdom Hearts game. I've forgotten most of the story and such, and want to play through them all in order of continuity; So, I need Kindgom Hearts one.
I also got a copy of Final Fantasy: Dawn of Souls, that is, FF1 and 2. I think I'll start no.1 again once I finish FF12. I'm glad to have a copy of this game again; I have the PSX's version of 1 & 2, but the GBA version has extra dungeons them. Next on the list to get for Final Fantasy is a copy of Final Fantasy: Anthology, then comes saving for Final Fantasy 13, and a console to play it on. That's going to be expensive, but my birthday is just before the release, so I will probably ask family to give me money towards it rather than give presents. (With my family though, I'm still going to need to save up a lot in the meantime...)
Meanwhile, My DS (in need of replacement because it's missing bits of it's 'shell' which means the upper screen no longer stays in place at the angle you want, but needs to be held in the position you want it in,) has been passively levelling up my attack attributes in my Castlevania: Order of Ecclesia game. This is in preparation for the challenge of a max level cap of 1, hard mode game. (I can carry over my abilities and attribute stats from the game I'm playing.) If I can do it, I get to increase my max level cap to 255. I'll probably save levelling to 255 for another playthrough though. I think I'll move onto Harmony of Dissonance when I'm done.
Oh yes, Exploits:
On the first act of the launch base zone in sonic 3, you can use your spin dash to chain kill enemies if you continuously charge it up whilst in between the alarm posts. After 10 minutes, you can have about 50 extra lives.
The easiest way to train attributes on Order of Ecclesia, is to equip Reflectio, Tower ring, and Emperor ring, and other equipment to bring your defence up to 78, then in a room with two White Formor's, hold up. Wedge the button on up and go to sleep, you'll get 24 points a minute. It takes about 45 hours to max it out from 0.
That's all for now!
Wednesday, 6 January 2010
5.30am(ish) Posting
I've not done much talking about my feelings online lately. I've done a little bit of a shying away from it; every time I try to put words to my feelings I find my vocabulary falling surprisingly short, or complete incomprehension of what's going on inside.
Tonight's not much different. Barriers are up, and I'm locked out. My pre-holidays sense of foreboding has been replaced by a general grim humour and grizzly attitude.
I'm alive and well! Woo...
I've been reading a little more on Transsexual Healthcare, something I generally avoid because it's so damn depressing, because instead of getting details on what that care actually consists of, I end up with a lot of things about how the NHS care route is just a whole mess of fail. I want information about receiving medical care through private and personal means, although the general feel I get is that it's better to self-medicate hormones and go far abroad for surgeries... none of which is cheap, or especially safe. There is a London based private specialist, but that runs up an even higher cost! Very depressing, like I said. I just don't know what to do about it.
I am a little ticked off, I keep getting kept up 'til long after bedtime. I'm having a few nights of not enough sleep at a time, then sleeping for more than twelve hours when I finally do sleep properly. I'm finding it hard to have 'me' time, my subconscious priorities seem to be: Others, 'me time', sleep. In this case, 'others' seems to end up being the majority of my day.
On another note, I had a couple of dates with a guy who I haven't heard from since the last date I had with him in late November (I think). I sent him a message but I've not heard back from him, so I'm guessing I'm probably not going to. Bummer. Just as well I wasn't that into him. Still the search for Mr or Mrs right continues.
I should probably sleep now. If the postman makes it through the snow, he should have things for me, and I don't want to sleep through his knocking. Actually, at this point in time, it's probably more reasonable and logical to stay up, and go to bed after the post has been. This whole sleeping thing is a bit of a complete fuck up. The number of hours of sleep I need is completely irregular, and the times I sleep from and to are just as irregular. It's not fun.
Aaaah, whatever. See you all later.
Tonight's not much different. Barriers are up, and I'm locked out. My pre-holidays sense of foreboding has been replaced by a general grim humour and grizzly attitude.
I'm alive and well! Woo...
I've been reading a little more on Transsexual Healthcare, something I generally avoid because it's so damn depressing, because instead of getting details on what that care actually consists of, I end up with a lot of things about how the NHS care route is just a whole mess of fail. I want information about receiving medical care through private and personal means, although the general feel I get is that it's better to self-medicate hormones and go far abroad for surgeries... none of which is cheap, or especially safe. There is a London based private specialist, but that runs up an even higher cost! Very depressing, like I said. I just don't know what to do about it.
I am a little ticked off, I keep getting kept up 'til long after bedtime. I'm having a few nights of not enough sleep at a time, then sleeping for more than twelve hours when I finally do sleep properly. I'm finding it hard to have 'me' time, my subconscious priorities seem to be: Others, 'me time', sleep. In this case, 'others' seems to end up being the majority of my day.
On another note, I had a couple of dates with a guy who I haven't heard from since the last date I had with him in late November (I think). I sent him a message but I've not heard back from him, so I'm guessing I'm probably not going to. Bummer. Just as well I wasn't that into him. Still the search for Mr or Mrs right continues.
I should probably sleep now. If the postman makes it through the snow, he should have things for me, and I don't want to sleep through his knocking. Actually, at this point in time, it's probably more reasonable and logical to stay up, and go to bed after the post has been. This whole sleeping thing is a bit of a complete fuck up. The number of hours of sleep I need is completely irregular, and the times I sleep from and to are just as irregular. It's not fun.
Aaaah, whatever. See you all later.
Wednesday, 30 December 2009
I Predict...
Okay, so this is a resolutions post, but not quite.
I have a few predictions about 2010, relating to myself. (Calling them predictions instead of resolutions is a bit of a dirty trick on the mind, I'm not going to explain here and now though.)
The first prediction I have is that I'm going to take the year at my own pace. I've been out of full time work since April 2008, I've spent the majority of that sitting around feeling unable to do anything, and I still have a fair amount of that going on. I've already come a long way, in that I've managed to keep up with NoddSoc and the Tuesday night D&D game, as well as do a little bit of work too, and my prediction is that I'm going to carry on taking things at my own pace, because it's working well for me.
My second prediction relates to my writing career. I've been threatening to write professionally for a while now, it's been the only thing that I've brought to the table regarding what I want to do with the rest of my life. I've got ideas for short stories and self promotion. The writing prediction is that 2010 will be the year I start to take progressing my writing career seriously, or decide that I don't want to write professionally at all.
My health is the concern of my third prediction. The year will be the year of doing more to look after my body. This involves finding professionals to check up the overall physical state of me, as well as working my way through the mental health care system. My prediction is that I will be more pushy to get the help I need from the NHS, and find independent help where necessary to maintain a healthier body and mindset. This does include doing more to encourage the professionals and specialists to catch up with me in regards to my transition. It also includes a little something about eating more, as I have a tendency to not really eat much, and then eat lots when people are about, and I don't really hang out with others that much.
Fourth up on the list of things that will happen in 2010 is all about my social life, and edging my way ever closer to coming across romantic interests (I can not think of a better way to word it). I won't directly predict that I will find my true love over the coming year, but I will predict that I'm going to do more to put myself in places where I am likely to meet new people that I can be friends with. I'm predicting that I will try new things romantically speaking with the hope of working out what it is I want to find in a partner.
Money has been an issue, over the last year I've successfully cleared away a debt I had thanks to falling out of work, but I'm having other money related problems. My prediction is that I will spend less on clothes and shoes and find a way to deal with the underlying problem (I don't feel like I look good, and I want to look good, so I need that new outfit/pair of shoes). As well as this, I predict I will spend more on my gaming and other interests, including the building of a desktop computer (something I have been trying to do for a while, but have never succeeded at). Finally under the section of cash flow, I am predicting I will put together a plan to overall spend less in order to have more money for important things, such as healthcare and home responsibilities.
My final prediction is this: In 2010 I will not murder anyone. (Since returning from my parents house my sense of humour has been a little dark.) In the same spirit of previous years resolutions to stay away from Mars, if all of these predictions prove to be false, this one will prove true...
2009 has been fun, stressful, depressing, but most of all it's been tremendous; I've met a load of cool people, and done things I've been wanting to do for years. I'm looking forward to the unexpected things in 2010, as I'm sure I'll have a bit of the unexpected on top of all the things I am expecting. Thank you to everyone who's done so much as talk to me in 2009, it wouldn't have been the same without you! xx
I have a few predictions about 2010, relating to myself. (Calling them predictions instead of resolutions is a bit of a dirty trick on the mind, I'm not going to explain here and now though.)
The first prediction I have is that I'm going to take the year at my own pace. I've been out of full time work since April 2008, I've spent the majority of that sitting around feeling unable to do anything, and I still have a fair amount of that going on. I've already come a long way, in that I've managed to keep up with NoddSoc and the Tuesday night D&D game, as well as do a little bit of work too, and my prediction is that I'm going to carry on taking things at my own pace, because it's working well for me.
My second prediction relates to my writing career. I've been threatening to write professionally for a while now, it's been the only thing that I've brought to the table regarding what I want to do with the rest of my life. I've got ideas for short stories and self promotion. The writing prediction is that 2010 will be the year I start to take progressing my writing career seriously, or decide that I don't want to write professionally at all.
My health is the concern of my third prediction. The year will be the year of doing more to look after my body. This involves finding professionals to check up the overall physical state of me, as well as working my way through the mental health care system. My prediction is that I will be more pushy to get the help I need from the NHS, and find independent help where necessary to maintain a healthier body and mindset. This does include doing more to encourage the professionals and specialists to catch up with me in regards to my transition. It also includes a little something about eating more, as I have a tendency to not really eat much, and then eat lots when people are about, and I don't really hang out with others that much.
Fourth up on the list of things that will happen in 2010 is all about my social life, and edging my way ever closer to coming across romantic interests (I can not think of a better way to word it). I won't directly predict that I will find my true love over the coming year, but I will predict that I'm going to do more to put myself in places where I am likely to meet new people that I can be friends with. I'm predicting that I will try new things romantically speaking with the hope of working out what it is I want to find in a partner.
Money has been an issue, over the last year I've successfully cleared away a debt I had thanks to falling out of work, but I'm having other money related problems. My prediction is that I will spend less on clothes and shoes and find a way to deal with the underlying problem (I don't feel like I look good, and I want to look good, so I need that new outfit/pair of shoes). As well as this, I predict I will spend more on my gaming and other interests, including the building of a desktop computer (something I have been trying to do for a while, but have never succeeded at). Finally under the section of cash flow, I am predicting I will put together a plan to overall spend less in order to have more money for important things, such as healthcare and home responsibilities.
My final prediction is this: In 2010 I will not murder anyone. (Since returning from my parents house my sense of humour has been a little dark.) In the same spirit of previous years resolutions to stay away from Mars, if all of these predictions prove to be false, this one will prove true...
2009 has been fun, stressful, depressing, but most of all it's been tremendous; I've met a load of cool people, and done things I've been wanting to do for years. I'm looking forward to the unexpected things in 2010, as I'm sure I'll have a bit of the unexpected on top of all the things I am expecting. Thank you to everyone who's done so much as talk to me in 2009, it wouldn't have been the same without you! xx
Monday, 28 December 2009
The Gang
From left to right:
Nessie, Rover, Sparky, Bernie, Seris and Suzie.
They're finally all together. Nessie and Rover were stuck back at my parents, Sparky has always been with me, Bernie was from my Mum when she came to visit me a few months back, and Seris and Suzie came from down south, and joined the party there.
Posted because I'm feeling hazy and lethargic following my return, and felt like sharing some cute.
Nessie, Rover, Sparky, Bernie, Seris and Suzie.
They're finally all together. Nessie and Rover were stuck back at my parents, Sparky has always been with me, Bernie was from my Mum when she came to visit me a few months back, and Seris and Suzie came from down south, and joined the party there.
Posted because I'm feeling hazy and lethargic following my return, and felt like sharing some cute.
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