I've stopped believing I'll ever find a partner or someone to live with and I've become as sexually active as someone who's taken a vow of celibacy.
About a year ago, I became aware that I wasn't as sexually unappealing as a sack of mashed bananas, but that people did in fact, find me attractive. Something I'd never got while I was involved with the church.
I've had a few trysts since that time, but I'm back to where I was before, due to transitioning.
I don't feel attractive. Which feels faintly ridiculous given the amount of effort I feel I put in. It also feels faintly silly given that I still have offers of sex and fun. “I” need to be wanted, to be interesting, to be someone who is desired to be around. The offers of sex and fun don't cover that, because they feel directed at my body, which isn't all “I” am.
I need to be wanted. Interesting thought, possibly why I became depressed in the first place as I was pushed out of the church clearly not wanted at all, and work never really wanted me at all. In contrast though, I don't want to be needed. Probably why I've taken a downturn recently too, I don't feel wanted so much.
I feel like I'm doing it wrong. I don't really “go out”, like down to the pub or such like, and really, why would I? I don't really enjoy it so much and they feel just so... unsafe. I'm just too shy and nervous of places where I'm exposed to so many people. Coincidentally, I'd feel fine going to some place like that if I had someone to go with. It's just not feasible to go on my own because the cost of transport is crushing, and I'm no where near capable of my own protection in such an exposed setting. The whole, “Go out and meet people” thing, is a vicious cycle that ends in despair.
What am I looking for? A question I'll try and answer later I think...
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