If I don't type this out now I'm going to burst and it's not going to be pretty.
Good God please don't ever do that to me again.
The rushing was bad.
Making me leave my laptop out in plain sight while we were out made me scared.
The quick shop instead of a proper shop made me annoyed.
Not giving me time to do at least a little make-up and put my wig on, that's terrifyingly bad.
I worry about how feminine I look at the best of times. Making me go out looking like a guy from the neck upwards made me feel so completely nervous and vulnerable. Do you even realise how bad that could have gone? I'm insecure, and I'm trying to prove my femininity and I feel like I just put myself way further out there than I've ever been before. I'm glad it was quiet. I'm glad no-one stopped to stare.
Passing is important to me, looking my best is important to me. I can't encourage myself about how feminine I think I look because my own perceptions a little biased.
Why didn't it go bad? Was I just lucky that no-one took a proper look at me? Did they notice and not care enough to say or do anything? Was I actually passable without doing myself up?
It's set me on a complete edge now. I don't know how to measure this experience. I don't know how to have the conversation I need to in order to even begin to make sense of what just happened.
It makes me feel fake and fraudulent, like I'm doing something completely wrong, completely obvious. Aiming for something obscenely out of reach. Why do I even make the effort to try and live as a woman? Why is it so important to me? Why can't I just live as a boy? Why am I trying to live 24/7 as a woman and why won't I just let it go when I can't?
No comments:
Post a Comment