So here we are, a new blog. Time to do a proper introduction.
My name is Lilith, some call me Monday, don't mind being called Lil, but draw a line at “Lili”.
I'm into geeky stuff, mostly retro videogaming and almost everything Final Fantasy. I like the Castlevania and Legend of Zelda series too. I got burgled not too long ago, so I'm in the process of collecting most of those games again. I'm about a third of the way through re-gaining my awesome games collection. Occasionally I'll write about what I'm playing, I'll try to make it entertaining for those of you that don't find games interesting.
Story time:
Once upon a time, there was a boy...
Ugh. No, I won't do it like that.
I've had a really interesting but painful past, of which I have always had a part of me that wanted to crossdress.
School was almost a huge waste of time for me. I'm not stupid by any stretch of the imagination, but I just didn't feel a need for school, and after attempting A-levels and then a college course and failing due to disinterest I disembarked from the education system and got involved with the thing that had been causing me to not care much about school: the church.
I spent a few years “working” for the church. No one ever wanted to pay me for it, but they took my time and energy all the same. I was a bit of an all-star, and seemed to be getting on really well. In reality I was a chump. I was pretty much being used. I had a rather messy divorce with the church, when I stepped out of the work-force and tried to get into the leadership.
I purged a few times whilst in contact with the church, and I regret each and every single time. It wasn't just clothing, it was games, it was anything I felt bad about having. The stuff I would be embarrassed to explain to someone else.
Anyway, after falling foul of the church I left for the “wilderness”. This process involved working for a little while for myself, getting a place of my own and living a “normal” life. It went so well that I got depressed and ended up having to move back in with my parents. Having got rid of all the church stuff that had been holding me back was great, but I was suddenly alone. I had a couple of friends from the church who have slowly fallen from contact, but I was alone, and I had realised that I didn't really know how the world actually worked, for burying my head in the church world.
While living on my own I spent ages playing video games, including online ones. It was on an online game I met someone who managed to get my full story and got me moving again. I feel a little sorry for her because it kinda backfired on her. I stopped being the reclusive type and started taking steps to be myself, which took me away from the computer a lot more, a real problem if you happen to live a thousand miles away. We occasionally talk, but I don't see her online often anymore.
I got moving again and lost my house, got stuck with a bit of debt and ended up at my parents. It didn't go quite as well as I'd hoped, but I made some new friends and started to live a little. I eventually moved to a shared house in Sheffield, away from all the crap that had happened in my home town.
It was here in Sheffield that I began to accept another part of myself. A part that began to grow under the attention and became very important to me. I started to cross dress. It's probably fair to say that I started my transition a few months ago. I go out in Leeds on occasion with friends there, and am myself all the time at home, and even get to go out here in Sheffield too sometimes. I have a problem that going out in my area is exceptionally unsafe, so for most things out in public I still have to switch back to boy-mode.
If you want to put a percentage figure on it, I'd say I was dressed female about 80% of the time. Dealing with the outside world still is done by Mr, but I will go 24/7 in time.
The thing stopping me from going 24/7 is kinda cyclical. I need either my own transport (EG. Learn to drive and get a car,) or a new place to live where I can go out without fear (nerves do not count as fear). To get either of those, I need a job. I don't want to go back to work as a boy, so I want to go 24/7 first. Going 24/7 needs transport/new home, which needs job, which needs 24/7. It may be arguable that I can go back to work as a boy but I'm still fighting depression some days, which is helped a lot when I do things as a girl.
It's probably needless to say that I need to do a lot more personally before I can do anything professionally again.
I see a doctor, who I told about the last few months, and he's got me on the waiting list for a counsellor. Hopefully it will not be too long before I get to see them, I have been waiting a while already.
So that's the back-story. Now a little about how I'm doing now...
I'm finding things hard. I spend a lot of time feeling alone and abandoned, on top of the general feeling of being trapped and held-back. I can't say I have many friends here, a lot of them I have to keep in touch with on the internet, which I don't have access to a lot of the time. It seems enormously geeky to say such a thing, but I need the internet. It's not an addiction, it's just where my friends are. So not being able to reach them makes me feel alone. I feel abandoned by my housemate a lot lately too, she keeps disappearing on me and leaving me behind. This bothers me because I don't really know anyone here well enough to get invites to stuff, or find out about what's happening from them to invite myself along. I'm still quite stuck without her. It feels like I'm back where I was a year ago, trapped in my own home and without social contact. It doesn't help that all the time we spend together involves both of us playing separate games that stops me talking about things, I just don't know how to interrupt.
From the private journal I keep, I can see that going full time and getting the internet are pretty important to recovering from this depression that's been holding me back for too long now. I yearn to be free and to be able to do what I want, to live life the way I want to. It's a little infuriating that both things seem to be out of my control at this point in time, and that the steps I need to take to reach those goals seem to make things worse. There's probably more to cracking it than those, but they're the most pressing problems I have at the moment.
That's enough for now though...
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