Go blow snow for a year...

...is the title of a song that is bouncing around my head at the moment.

I often find that my mood is most often reflected in the music that is going through my head. “Go blow snow for a year” is what I'd call an energetic yet mellow, almost melancholic track.

I find I have a lot of energy at the moment directed mostly towards my desire to live as a female. I've a difficulty in holding onto and carrying on doing things that are not my number one focus. My writing, my gaming, have all fallen a little by the wayside. This isn't so much a problem, but I'm worried that it gives off the wrong idea to people that see me day in and day out. The mellow, melancholic bit is tied into the pace at which things seem to be going: slowly... I have a doctors appointment later, going to try and explain my situation in more depth. Last time I just told him I cross-dressed, not that I had a desire to live as a woman, and not that I was practically already doing so in private.

Time for an update: I've had a visitor, we have had fun, he's been looking after me and doing almost everything for me. It's nice to have an admirer; he brought me lots of things, including a new handbag! (He totally stalks me online; he reads everything I post, I think, and when I said I wanted a new handbag he saw and got one for me; Nice!) He's gone now though, so it's back to making my own tea and food.

I've been re-collecting games that were stolen and I'm happy to say I've got all the final fantasy games I once had back. All I need now is the Playstation title: “Final Fantasy Anthology” to have every final fantasy title published since 1997, excluding the crystal chronicles sub-series. It's amusing to think that the series originally started in 1987, making it only a couple of years younger than I.

I've been thinking about my writing again. I think I would find it the most satisfying way to earn a living, but I can't find a way to actually plan to do it every day like I need to. I'm kept from getting too involved in anything by a sense of being 'on call', and through fear of being distracted, and not having time alone to do it. I'd shut myself in a room for a couple of hours and say: “I'm writing now” but I don't even feel like that is possible; I feel like I need permission to spend time completely on my own, or that while I'm doing that I'd miss something. Annoyingly, I find that when I want to do some proper gaming, I need time alone too, so I can have the music and sounds on and experience everything the game has on offer. So there's a little conflict when I do get to be alone that usually gives way to whatever takes the least effort: the gaming. I have put fingers to keyboard fleshing out a world that one of my works in progress is set within though yesterday though: the mythology behind the gods of that universe.

That's enough for now though.